Are you in love? You may be perfectly “mis-matched”
“As a psychotherapist and Episcopal priest, I have counseled hundreds of couples. What I’ve learned: There is no such thing as relationship problems.”
Jon and Kate Gosselin
BY DAVID RICKEY — Most of us, when we fall in love, think we have arrived at a true and ultimate “answer” to all of our personal pains and aspirations.
I have counselled couples for three decades, both as a psychologist and an Episcopal priest. I have received confessions, and administered absolutions. And officiated marriages.
This is not exactly out of the manual, but the truth is, relationships were never intended to be happy — a noble truth that the marriage of Tony and Carmella Soprano exquisitely brought to life in The Sopranos and more currently (and not so exquisitely) by the on-going, and well televised battles, between Jon and Kate Gosselin.
There is a long-lost book by M. Scott Peck, an MD who took a leap of faith into depth psychology with The Road Less Travelled. His cardinal insight: the experience of “falling in love” may simply be a “glue” that makes us stick it out long enough. For what?
“To do,” as we say, is the real purpose of relationships.
When I do pre-marital counseling, I begin by telling the couple: “You are perfectly mis-matched.”
Once I’m sure I have their attention, I continue:
As much as you think you have chosen each other because of beauty or shared interests or whatever, the deeper reason is that unconsciously you know the other person is going to push your buttons. And the purpose of relationships is for you to discover and work on your buttons.
The hope is that each of you will do your own work, and that you will grow together, becoming more and more conscious of your own inner life as it emerges in relationship to the other.
Relationships are loaded with projections: unconscious images from past hurts, unresolved wounds and unmet needs. Within weeks, months or maybe years these start to emerge, and the work begins.
You will experience the other person “pushing your buttons”.
The Ego reaction is to try to get the other to stop pushing them.
The spiritual work is to examine your buttons. The work is, simply put but not simply done, becoming conscious of those images, owning them in yourself, and choosing to work on them in the context of the relationship. When you find one of your buttons being pushed, step back and ask yourself: “What is that button about?” Go back into your own history to find the origins.
For example, your partner is often late. Yes, it would be great if they were more considerate of you but … I will guarantee that in your history you will find issues about trusting whether people would be there for you when you needed them. That’s your button. When it gets pushed you feel (more accurately, your ego feels) justified in being resentful.
Now the interesting thing is that your partner will also have an issue (button) about having expectations placed on them. They too need to go back in their history to find the source of their decision to protest these expectations by passive-aggressively showing up late.
When both of you are willing to do the work of examining (making conscious) your own buttons, then you can resolve the issues and change the behaviors. They will no longer need to be late and you will no longer need to be angry about it (which anger actually feeds there resistance to showing up on time).
Another dimension of this work, why the universe sets us up this way to find perfectly mis-matched partners, is as you become more conscious, you actually generate a field which helps the entire planet become more conscious. An obvious way is that you won’t be playing out your unconscious behavior on your children (or others). And that will be less work your children will have to deal with as they grow up. Unfortunately, there will still be plenty of work for them, since society also wreaks havoc.
So when you fall in love, enjoy it, but know that like most “highs” there will be a payment required. The universe is setting you up to take part in this great evolution of consciousness human beings are a part of.
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on 19 Nov 2008 at 10:12 am 1.cyndi said …
another thought provoking and brilliant article david! this is a very different way of looking at love relationships. after the period of infatuation is over and when the real work of relationships begins, is when a lot of people bail out. sticking around to work on the “buttons” is a good idea, if you have the guts
looking forward to more articles from you!
on 06 Feb 2009 at 8:34 am 2.kathy said …
EXCELLENT article and really shines some light on some great points. Dealing with relationship issues in my profession, these points are what I strive to get across to my clients as well. It’s hard to get others to see that the relatioships (especially the very difficult ones), are here for our own soul growth and not merely for the sake of a romantic relationship. Thank you for this article!
on 19 Aug 2009 at 2:46 pm 3.luis said …
Wonderful article, and yes, relationship’s are work, as is human evolution, we begin from buttons pushed in us, through our emotions to possibly connect all the way to our wounds, to understand and heal that, that’s been activated by our buttons being pushed. This discomfort, that comes from wounds not healed in us, and when in relationship, we use our partners as mirrors for that in us that wants to be healed, that we may be seeing and judging in the beloved.
This concept of “work in relationship,” I attempt to pass on to men that I work with, did I say work? That’s right, most men want to run when they come up with bumps, and consequently work in relationship that pushes what’s been created during their human domestication. You can see some results on http://www.empoweringmen.com, from my perspective we men are waking up from a very old dream to this new awake working dream state. Thank you David…
PS: There are a lot of woman that also don’t want to do the work, before I’m corrected.
on 28 Nov 2009 at 10:01 am 4.Richard said …
Another wonderful article that will help me with my current relationship struggles. It’s good to know I’m not the only one that is driven crazy (almost) by all of this. Looking at relationship “difficulties” as a learning experience about myself is a step I’m willing to take now.
on 29 Nov 2009 at 1:53 am 5.Jason Gan said …
This article hits the right button.
Relationships can be confrontational and intense, depending on the personalities involved, leading to stress. When conflicts happen, it is best to take a page out of the yoga book, and hit the pause button.
People like to frame such dramas as problems, but to put it in yogic perspective, it is more constructive to approach the challenge as a development in the relationship. Then work on how to improve it.
Every person wants the same thing, to better our lives. So why can two people work together to achieve the same thing?
May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.
on 13 Feb 2010 at 5:49 pm 6.Yasmin said …
Dear Dr. Peck,
Great book!!!!. It is so true about pressing the buttons. I thought I had found my life partner. Only he told me that I pressed too many buttons. I was just being myself, and trying not to press any buttons.
Anyway, after the person starting to see that I was the one, he allowed fear to get into the way. Fear from being hurt from past relationships. He told me that I was not suited for him.
In this life, everything we do takes work. Maintaining a home, raising a family, and even going on a trip. Sad to say that this society has spoiled alot of folks, as many folks want things instantly. Just like clicking an email, or using spell check, or texting.
This era, sadly makes alot of men, not want to do the work. Ladies if you find a wonderful self-realized man, be grateful as they are not easy to find.
Those that think the grass is always greener on the other side. Ask yourself, the question. Are you willing to do the work when the challenges come into the relationship?
Like life, everything is from one level to the next. We are all here to learn, and to become better human beings.
How will we ever learn, if we are never challenged to change ourselves???? Think about it folks….
With great love to all who read this Yasmin
Your vision will become clear only when
you can look into your heart. Who looks
outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.
- Carl Jung