Lot and his daughters: a Baroque depiction of Genesis-19

MARINA GIULLIANI (Read part 1 , 2 and 3 of this Soul’s Code excerpt from the book, Sins of my Faith) — Being sexually-pleasured as a young child meant I was always very uncomfortable in situations where using my sexuality to get my own way was not an option.

The thought of heading to a segregated Catholic high school was pure torment.

My sister Angela had chosen the school a year earlier, and I was stuck with it. Now four to five years of nothing but girls and nuns loomed ahead of me. I was completely disillusioned by all things Catholic, and I hated the boxed-in feeling of girly stuff.

In high school I’d soon be totally engulfed by both.

Even in grade school, I had a hard time making girlfriends.  Grade nine was hell until I met Adrienne, who became my best friend from grade ten through college. We bonded during a remedial French class with the demon Sister Anna and wreaked havoc for the next three years.

A child’s garden of grass: my survivor’s code

Adrienne was the only non-Catholic in an all-Catholic school, and I would have loved her for that reason alone, but she also had everything else I could have wanted in a friend. Brains, beauty, an amazing sense of humor and a sky blue Corvette she received for her sixteenth birthday.

The girl was a magnet for men, and together we rocked. We went everywhere together. She’d lie and I’d swear to her fabrications on a stack of Bibles if I had to.

Throughout my high school and college years I lived by one motto: “Grass will see you through days without money, better than money will see you through days without grass.”  After I smoked my first joint at fourteen behind the church with some of the kids from the Catholic Youth Organization, I never looked back.

If I could get high while I was waiting for the bus, I knew my school day was made.  There was always a gorgeous guy with long dark hair standing at our stop, waiting for the girls from the Catholic school, ready to spark up a doob as soon as we arrived. I was totally in love with that guy, and I never even knew his name.

Prayer retreat: teenage wasteland

Our teachers-nuns were notorious for sending their girls on prayer retreats. Since it meant three days of freedom from regular classes without wearing our uniforms and as our teachers were not responsible for the agenda, I was signed up and headed out of town before the ink was dry on my permission slip.

Thinking themselves very progressive, the nuns decided that smoking was permissible, and, as ringleader of a three-day party, I decided that everything else was permissible: I organized a séance; snuck onto the university campus to buy grass; gathered a group to consult a Ouijee board; and asked a Jesuit Father if priests ever get horny.

On the last evening I convinced everyone to join in on a levitation experiment where one girl was accidentally dropped from five feet in the air with a crash that sent nuns scurry around for an hour trying to find the source.

I also spent a fair amount of those three days worried about something much more serious than being caught by the nuns for goofing around.

My first sexual encounter — outside my family

The summer between Grades eleven and twelve was when I met James. James was beautiful, with long blonde hair.  He and I got high together and we had sex together, lots and lots of sex. The two of us knew next to nothing about love, but taught each other a whole lot about heartache.

After the second time we slept together, even though we had used protection, I was scared and when I called him from the prayer retreat to tell him so, he made it clear that he wouldn’t consider marrying me under any circumstances.

James was a regular, over-sexed male, and one night I could feel in my gut that he betrayed me. He and I were connected somehow. We just never understood how. Within six months of giving it up to him, one night I paced the hallway from my bedroom to the phone, until I couldn’t stand my anxiety any longer. I dialed his number and demanded an answer.

“James, what are you doing to me?”

“I can’t believe you Marina, how do you always know?”

“Just tell me.” It was more than intuition and we both knew it.

“I brought this girl home with me and when we got in bed, I couldn’t get it up.”

“I guess you’ve suffered enough”, I said, and slammed the receiver down.

Work all day, party all night

Somehow Adrienne and I passed with the rest of our class and progressed to a place where thoughts ran free and so did the smokeables. Art College! Now you have to realize that coming from a very disciplined Catholic high school environment to this carefree climate was like being on a daily vacation. Adrienne looked even hotter now than she did in high school, and at seventeen we took on the campus.

We met the football team. The football team met us, and we took over with a vengeance. All night parties, pub nights and playing the boys. We thought we’d died and gone to heaven.

Needless to say, my first year wasn’t overly successful, scholastically speaking. Neither was the second if you want to know the truth. So I quit school and wound up working at a Top-Forty radio station. Getting the gig was a complete fluke, but, my God, I’d arrived.

Rock concerts, band parties and a disco daze filled my life with glory! I knew every DJ (radio and disco), the words to every tune on the charts and where to get the best pot in the city. I was totally rebelling against my Catholic roots by dating a Jewish guy, and my mother’s voice still stings in my ears:

“He’s a very nice boy Marina, but his family will never accept you!” My head always questioned, “Who might not be accepting whom”? Turned out the guy was a jerk and the romance short-lived, but who cared?

At twenty, I moved out of my parent’s home and into a singles high-rise with a co-worker, then worked by day and partied by night. I was finally free of the Catholic influence, and I wasn’t letting anything stand in my way. We threw a party one night with so many people that I asked four guys to be my dates and not one of them knew that the other existed. I was in control and that’s just how I liked it . . . until I got fired.

There was a certain new all-night DJ who decided he’d make a play for just about all of the young, attractive, women at the station. Robbie Knight was irresistible to the eye and had a voice as smooth as black velvet. He made a pass and I refused. If I wasn’t in control, why bother? Well Robbie told his DJ friends that he helped himself and I was furious. I confronted him in the station lobby and made him admit publicly that he hadn’t had his way with me, but I was the one they fired.

The blow was devastating. How could they? I was the coolest thing that station had going for them! I was in control here! What difference did it make that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut? I proved, in front of everyone, that he lied! This was my first indication that too much control perhaps wasn’t a good thing. With this lesson under my belt, I would be brilliant in the future.

Next stop, the local TV station. Now these people were beyond cool! How could I have ever thought the radio station was anywhere near as cool as this? And this time I was very clever. I took control of only one man at a time, fell madly in love with a director/writer, sucked in as much information as I could, learned the craft well and before I knew it I was right smack in the middle of an Irish Catholic nightmare.

Marina Giulliani’s book, Sins of My Faith: Innocence Lost to Incest, chronicles a true story of stolen innocence and the ultimate redemption of a little girl raised in the Roman Catholic tradition.

Read part 1 , 2 and 3 of this Soul’s Code exclusive from the book Sins of my Faith

BY DR. ANGELA HEPPNER — When was the last time you said to someone “I love you”?

These have to be the three most precious words uttered when spoken from the heart with genuine meaning.

Is this not what everyone wishes to hear? It can be so easy for us to express our true feelings to some and not to others. Why is this?

There are four main reasons why this phrase is prevented from being expressed freely.

• Fear of rejection
• The risk of expressing genuine feelings
• Perceived unworthiness
• Fear of being hurt

Don’t let fear of rejection run your life

It is common behavior for some people to have very strong feelings towards another and to not share these emotions. Fear of rejection is a preconceived idea and condition that is completely tied into lack of self-esteem and confidence.

We can be afraid that if we share our true feelings and thoughts with another then they will not be reciprocated, or denied and turned down. Honestly, the worst anyone can ever say is a “no”, but so what? Life goes on without waiting for anyone.

On the other side of the spectrum; what if we did take that brave step forward, opened up our hearts and genuinely shared our true feelings, then they were accepted lovingly on the other end? We don’t know until we try. “Love can be a risk; do it anyhow.”

What have we got to lose? Let me clarify something here on the “ifs” listed here. Replace those “ifs” with “do”, and as Nike so wisely put it, “Don’t just think about it, do it, do it, do it!”

Not expressing “genuine feelings” can get in the way of love

That brings me to the point of having genuine feelings for someone, that is holding very deep loving feelings. These are true and indeed genuine, but some people do not wish to share them.  These are heartfelt feelings that are being stifled and prevented from surfacing.

What follows is an inner struggle. Our ordinary commonplace feelings can be so easily shared; yet those deep-stirrings-of-the-heart type of feelings cannot surface.  The no-strings-attached attitude is a lot easier to share freely because there is no fear involved in this scenario.

To share those deep, genuine feelings could mean a commitment to another person due to the very fact that we are committing our innermost emotions to another. The heart is talking, and not the mind.

Perceived unworthiness of self is another barrier

A lack of “worthiness” on our part can be another obstacle to love.  We may even lack the courage to express our love for another because we believe we are not worthy enough share ourselves with others, or think our feelings of love are unmerited.

If we do not feel that we are worthy of something or someone, then we fail to pursue it. This could be a dream, even a lifelong dream. As fate would have it; if it is not meant to be ours, it will not be ours regardless. So why not try? The worst result of not achieving one’s dream could be the learning of a very valuable, even necessary, lesson and perhaps gaining a great friendship.

Fear of being hurt

We have all had a relationship (or two) with someone very special and near to our hearts.  Many of us have also experienced hurt due to losing someone that we once loved, and maybe even still do to this day.

Our pain and fear of future pain can prevent us from opening our hearts again to allow love in. Here the fearful “ifs” come again: what “if” I get hurt again? What “if” this happens to me yet again?  Everything happens for a reason; there is nothing that does not. There was either a lesson that needed to be learned and was missed presenting itself to us yet again; or many missed opportunities that have come and gone.

So at one point in our lives we have all wished to have that special relationship with someone; to find the “love of our lives.”  How are we able to do this or to ever have this dream come true if we do not let love in and try?  It is very true that some have been presented with this; it landed right in their lap and they did not pursue it; yet they are still hoping and wishing that this will happen for them one day.

Don’t let love pass you by

We may think at some point that we are not ready for a relationship or a commitment; yet this golden opportunity presents itself to us and we pass on it.  We then wonder later why we are alone and have no one significant in our lives.

Everything is constantly changing and ever evolving, including us. There will come a point in time when we think we are ready, but that wonderful, glorious opportunity has already passed us by.

It’s a good idea to put full trust into the Universe and the divine in this process and completely follow our hearts. This is the only way to assure that no golden opportunities will be missed out on. When you feel it, do it. Do not allow the mind to interfere in this process and lead you astray.

The heart’s call arrived and was not heard. The mind took over and gave many reasons why something should not be or cannot be. Doubt, worry, skepticism and fear are, in all actuality, parts of the mind; these are not parts of the heart.

Time waits for no one; when these divine gifts and blessings present themselves to us, we are responsible to take them and have the choice whether to act upon them or not.

Regrets come from the heart, not the mind. Regrets are felt because the heart’s call was ignored. There is an inner struggle when the head and heart are at odds. The heart and higher–self speak very loudly and clearly, but cannot be heard when the mind alone is in full control in the drivers seat.

So why ignore the heart? What is to gain from this? The heart is where pure truth resides and only truth. The heart is where only goodness is found. Where do you think love truly resides? Is it of the heart or in the mind?

Love is a feeling, not a thought. It is divine energy and emotion that is fully expressed through the heart, soul and higher – self. The key to happiness, balance, harmonious relationships and divine love is the heart. This is the only key available to us.

Dr. Angela Heppner is the author of The Book of Life and is an ordained minister, journalist, poet and song writer.  Her academic accomplishments include earning a Bachelor of Metaphysical Sciences (B.Msc.); Master of Metaphysical Sciences (M.Sc.), and a Philosopher Of Holistic Life Coaching (Ph.D) degree.  Angela’s passion is healing with the help of the arch angels.  Visit her site, Angel Aura Healing.

GUEST COLUMN: PHYLLIS KING — When people ask me about their love life, money, or career, often the answer is not about whom they are going to meet, if they’ll make money, or whether they should change careers.

More often, the answer lies somewhere between one’s self-perception and how he or she relates to the human experience.

I am constantly reminding people about the truth of life we too often forget: remembering begets the empowerment to allow good to happen in life.

What we give our attention to is what we bring into our lives.

Look at your life: your circumstances as well as your feelings every moment of every day, and this will tell you exactly the quality and content of your thoughts and beliefs.

The gap between heaven and hell is all about perspective. Are your thoughts expansive? Do you believe there is always enough? Do you believe Source is always meeting your needs beyond your expectations? Or do you believe there is never enough, or only enough for some? Does it fall in between?

How perspective affects reality

Recently I did a psychic reading for an absolutely brilliant woman, who did not think she was brilliant. She described herself as “desperate” to find and connect to a life partner. As we worked the energy during the reading, my goal became clear. Note the pattern.

1. I reminded her. . . to acknowledge her strengths. So often we are willing to shine a spotlight on all our flaws. We hang our head with false modesty when it comes to showing our strengths. In this case, the person had completely denied a strength (her intelligence).

2. I reminded her. . . of the truth of energy, how it works in life, and the importance of honoring her essence. Therein lies the “magic” of fulfillment in life. Being who you are, with honesty, integrity and love. This person was literally rejecting herself. She wondered why she was desperate. In consciousness she would not be able to attract a loving partner while she fed her own rejection.

3. I reminded her. . . to define herself through her inner voice, not through external stimulus. The truth of who we are cannot be seen by the naked eye. The magnificence of us cannot even fit into the constraints of this limited environment.

4. I reminded her. . . to be diligent and responsible with the thoughts she allows into her head. Thoughts are things. They have a consciousness. They create.

Expansion is always, without exception, the process of having expansive, unlimited thinking in your mind. Limited, ego-based thinking, “I’m not good enough,” and “I’m desperate” will only create more negativity. If you want expansive results, put your trust in unlimited thinking and have an open heart.

We must practice filling our mind with constructive thoughts and unlimited ideas. This is the nature of Source. The more we align ourselves with the unlimited bounty of Source, the more expansion we allow into our life.

Psychic, author and spiritual teacher, Phyllis King, writes a weekly column for Soul’s Code.  Read last week’s column: Love is a verb.  So, let’s DO it.   Starting September 6th, listen to Phyllis on L.A’s KTLK-AM 1150 every Sunday, 1:00 – 2:00 pm. PST.

SOUL’S CODE —  Shrunken stock portfolios, canceled checks, and an unemployment rate in the double-digits indicate that couples who are distressed in their relationships today will stick together tomorrow.

Stick it out, rather than walk out is a distinctly anti-Me Generation response to fear and unmet wants — the opposite of the Baby Boomer ethic of autonomy and desire-fulfillment.

The polar-opposite is our parents’ and grandparents’ code for survival — a Survivor-response to love and relationships forged in the scarcity of The Depression’s and WWII.

Will the Great Recession make that the norm? Or will it still be the Baby Boomer way? Either way, is your relationship something to save — even while savings are lost? David Richo offers a checklist.

Richo’s way, is the Buddhist ‘middle way’ between poles of  self-indulgence and self-abnegation.

A triple-threat as they say in Hollywood, Richo is a one-time Catholic priest, who earned a Phd. in psychology — and then went Buddhist. A highly-regarded Jungian psycho-therapist, Richo is also the author of 13 books, including his breakthrough, How to Be an Adult in Relationships.

He may be the world’s most insightful observer of how relationships work, or don’t. And whether you should stay, or go. On that turning point, here is a matrix of the difference between a realized teacher like Richo and daytime-TV, schlock-jocks (come on down, Dr. Phil):

DR. PHIL: I am here to help you fix the story of what happened to you, bolster your personality (ego), and push you to get what you want.

DAVID RICHO: Entrenchment in ego is the biggest obstacle to intimacy. I am here to help you become more conscious of your conditioning, and it is keeping you stuck in repetitive patterns.

OPRAH/DR. PHIL: Have some self-respect, get some spine, and kick him to the curb . . . (just like Oprah did to that one, who wrote A Million Little Pieces).

DAVID RICHO: If the purpose of relationships is to show us where our (inner) work lies, there’s actually no blame to spread around. You’d say, ‘Thank you for showing me what my work is.’

OPRAH/DR. PHIL: What are the things you want in a man to be happy? Tell us (translation: my ratings/audience) your (ego’s) needs.

DAVID RICHO: If you rush into a relationship because of attraction and chemistry, it’s probably best to run the other way unless you can say: “Oh, here is a chance to do my work, and the other person agrees that they’ll do theirs.” But if you think of the relationship simply as, ‘we’re going to satisfy each other,’ the unconcsious will present it’s “bill”.

OPRAH/DR. PHIL: Get over it, girl. Move on, and move on up. Time to close a door so you can open a new one.

DAVID RICHO: What do I have from my own past to take care of before I can enter a healthy relationship?

And here’s a question for Richo: what things should we ask ourselves to discern whether a relationship is worth working on, or a space that we should leave. Richo has distilled what he’s learned from Buddhist devotion, scholarly research and clinical observation down to a handful of qualities: Ask yourself if your relationships has these five “A’s”:

1. Attention
2. Acceptance
3. Appreciation
4. Affection
5. Allowing
   

Richo doesn’t trumpet these in a stump speech of talking points at a Las Vegas convention center like Tony Robbins or Deepak Chopra.

Instead, he prefers audiences like the 200 seekers and practitioners who spent a weekend with him at a northern California Buddhist retreat called Spirit Rock, where he shared more essential relationship ingredients that start with the letter “A.” You also want to ask if you and your partner share:

Agreement (as in, a relationship isn’t a high-concept thing; it’s essentially the sum of a series of kept agreements)

Authentic presence (as in Martin Buber’s “I am thou”)

In a display of spiritual stand-up, Richo sprinkled his talk with contemporaneous references to everything from the Book of Ezekiel and Emily Dickinson to Hollywood romantic comedies during un-scripted Q&A sessions. Memorable lines:

Adults aren’t people who no longer need parenting; they’ve switched the need for parenting from birth parents to a partner, church, guru or therapist.

What is chemistry? It means you have found an apt candidate for transference.

EZEKIEL: “Look how I was wounded in the house of those who loved me.”

“Resent” in Latin means to ‘feel over and over again.’ Resentment is a cover for grieving.

Back to your relationship, and whether you should stay or go. If it has enough of Richo’s five A’s, he prescribes three basic steps for working out any issue — whether it’s about depressed stocks, a failing career, or a depressed soul.

• A) Address the problem. Name it. Articulate an issue in the relationship, without blame: “I am unhappy with how much you drink.”

• B) Articulate how it makes you feel, and relate it to a past. Report the feelings that go with the problem (processing). Acknowledge how the feeling is fueled by your past. How do you know if it’s connected? If you’re experiencing it intensely, and taking it seriously, it’s connected.

• C) Make an agreement with your intimate partner about how to change it.

This is the essence of how to be an adult in a relationship, a loaded term at first glance. But Richo’s defnition of an adult isn’t judgemental. In fact, it’s both invitingly simple and inclusive: An adult is someone who has expanded their potential for fulfillment.

GUEST COLUMN: CHELSEA LANGAN — Imagine remembering only the very best memories, and making only the finest plans for the future. This is all that should be going on when you are fully immersed in the present moment (a theme explored brilliantly in the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind).

My mantra to myself: ‘Negative thoughts that come across your mind are strictly off limits.’ Acknowledging this is really all it takes to eliminate the flotsam that weighs us down.  It is possible to let your inner light of love and life literally take over every process and aspect of your life.

What works for me: letting go and surrendering.  We are called to abandon worry and create moments of stillness in our minds to think precisely of NOTHING.  Hard to do, right?   Try these tricks throughout the day.

I love to imagine my body processing life perfectly, totally in tune with every interaction in every moment, feeling the effects of only the best thoughts, and clarifying every dream and vision that comes to mind until it’s a reality staring back at me.

Recently one of my visions became a reality

After yet another breakup with a boyfriend . . . I remember saying that I wanted a boyfriend for the Christmas Holidays.  Well, I got one: we met in December, 2008 — and were over by about January 2, 2009!  I then became determined to focus on finding my perfect man, and I didn’t want a boyfriend this time . . . I wanted a husband.

Online, I found a picture of a man with my ideal physical characteristics to post on my Myspace page (see photo of Juan Garcia at right).

The detailed physical description of my ideal partner included a masculine, chiseled face, dark hair, blue eyes, height: 6’6”, and weight: 222 lbs.  I was looking for what I called an ‘aggressive gentleman’ who radiated integrity.

On February 27 (about a month after I had taken the description off Myspace and continued with life as usual) I went on a date with a guy I met online who ended up fitting the bill perfectly (see photo at left).

His head was shaved at first, so it took me a while to realize that he had dark hair, but he has all of the physical characteristics, including the beautiful blue eyes . . . and he’s an ‘aggressive gentleman’ with integrity, who is also a Christian.

We may not be married right now, but I’m typing this article from his house while he’s at work.  We’re hitting it off.  It’s only been two months, but at this point, regardless of any future outcomes, I’m confident I’m perfecting the process.

Dissolving the filters that stand in the way of happiness

Part of my perfecting has to do with praying that my “filter” be removed.

What do I mean?  Well, my new guy and myself kept “hitting each other’s filters” when we tried to communicate.  We both said things that triggered negative past memories of our exes, and those utterances, in turn, posted little red flags about each other.

Our filters were pulling what the other said completely out of both time and context, causing us to view the other as horrible deviations of who we really are.

We were both able to consciously acknowledge that this so, and that’s what enabled us to move on. It’s an ongoing process.

We are both trying to heal from our past relationships, and we realize how vital it is that we not allow ourselves to superimpose our past on each other.  It has allowed for great growth so far, and I hope that what we have gone though can help others.

A fine example of synchronicity occurred not too long after I discovered the “filter” dilemma in our relationship.  Shoot, I thought I coined the term!  However, after watching Bruce Lipton’s “The Biology of Perception” on YouTube, I realized that Bruce had got there first.  Bruce, in fact, summarized his entire lecture by discussing our ‘filters”.

This highly-esteemed man is scientifically proving that our beliefs create our reality, and that we are constantly choosing which “filters” we look through in every moment.

Despite working towards a more spiritual existence, the closer I get to my dreams, specifically, my dream relationship, the more I seem to start to worry.  However, this forces me to process life, transmute, surrender, and grow.   Although at times I feel like I’m driving myself nuts, it’s good to know that I can be well on my way to acquiring my dreams and be growing at the same time.

It’s the modern, spiritual version of “having your cake and eating it, too”.  I think we all know better than to think that the easiest earthly endeavours are as valueable as the ones we work hard for.  And although I know spirituality makes life much more simple than I ever imagined, it also makes sense that I (and others) have to balance my spiritual and carnal selves in this way. 

I like to think of myself as wide open, but there is more to open . . . so much more. The goal is to always truly feel like I’m pure love in motion with only the finest anticipations, aspirations, expectations, and realities.

Learning to respect other people’s views

Trying to respect other people’s views is an intrinsic part of this philosophy. Others view life through a totally unique filter that no one other than themselves will ever totally understand.

I recently learned a huge lesson regarding filters, spirituality, and religion. I experienced a powerful sinking feeling while in a conversation with my new guy regarding church and religion, that let me know that some of my strongest previously held beliefs were dead wrong.

A self-defined spiritual person dating a Southern Christian isn’t always easy.  However, I came to the conclusion that if spiritual people are to be able to truly acknowledge each and every soul that walks the planet, it’s important to make sure we don’t contribute to the alienation and separation that can be imposed by religious denominational differences.

We should in fact be able to feel comfortable in every house of God. We are a part of every church. We’re more a part of the things we really don’t want to be a part of than we like to think.

Even if we don’t understand or agree with the precise way a leader of a church presents their case, we know that whatever he or she is saying is being said in the most perfect way to reach everyone so inclined to attend that day.  Any path to love and light is a good one.

There is nothing truly out of bounds on this planet, and every attempt we make to understand another soul is a noble one.  Everyone has their own hypocrisies in someone’s eyes, but, others are no different than ourselves.

My final advice is to laugh when you think there’s a dilemma.  Laugh when you want to cry. Cry if you have to, without shame.  Ride the light of Spirit till there’s nothing left. It’s better than every roller coaster you’ve ever been on. . .for obvious reasons.

As I see it, life really is the coolest scavenger hunt, longest Halloween, and funniest practical joke eva!

Chelsea was born and raised in the South Carolina low country, and graduated from the College of Charleston in 2003 with a BA in Communications.  Says Chelsea, “I feel like I have much more figured out since I have discovered spirituality.  To prove it, I’m probably one of the happiest, most optimistic chicks around. Much love to everyone.” She blogs at Spirit Boutique.

(Top photo by Vitor Bustamante, flickr.com)