BY DANNY KENNY — It’s such a simple step to go cynical. But Holy-ocity! — “handicapping” spiritual teachers, guides and gurus like race horses? That’s called bad form.

In these times, many of us dream or wish for “the simple life.” Some of us even go so far as to search for it. But be careful what you wish for — or more like, be careful what you Google.

Especially if you’re searching for “spiritual teachers,” or say, some of the names listed on Soul’s Code in the right column under the Department called Teachers We Track. One of these sites are likely to show up in the first page of your search results: Sarlo’s Guru Ratings, Peter’s Pages and Spiritualteachersorg. They “rate” — and in some cases, berate — spiritual experiences and figures.

Jesus Christ, I hear you exclaim (he only rates a 2-out-of-5 on Sarlo’s site, by the way).  Are you serious?

YES MY SOUL, brothers and sisters, I am. You may think these sites that pop up have the answers to your questions but they don’t even try to reach deep into the soul, just the Internet — a sort of first-come, first server. As the result of a giant pre-ordained network of links, they have achieved high rank authority for keywords like Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie and the Dalai Lama.

Sarlo’s, for example, has 1,500 entries that “rate” spiritual teachers with a scale that uses Buddha icons, and even critique such factors as their humility. An interesting paradox in itself, as one definition of true humility is “living life without comparison.”

So be careful where your search leads you, because as a wise Buddhist once said to me: If you are going to the “Mountain Top” looking for enlightenment, the chances are that the only thing you will find there is yourself.

Of course if this is a new journey for you, and you’re looking for pointers before you take to the high road to finding your own spiritual path, it’s understandable that you would want to do some form of research.

Even so, picture in your third eye my personal lack of serenity when I see this latest concept — rating spiritual experiences on the Internet makes me think one of the travel sites is on a spiritual journey to be reborn as, Expedient.com!

It’s like ringing up a Zen retreat and asking, “Excuse me, do you have a Zagat rating?”

You could imagine John Cleese and Monty Python turning this whole scene into a sketch along the lines of their famous Argument Clinic skit:

Man: “I’d like to have enlightenment, please.”

Receptionist (channeling John Cleese): “I see. Well, do you want to have the full enlightenment, or were you thinking of taking a course?”

Man: “Well, what would be the cost?”

Receptionist: “There’s the three-day package for full enlightenment, which is a steal at one dollar, but for only $2,000 you can do a course of ten with complimentary breakfast and spa services.”

Man: “Are the results measurable? I mean, how will I be able to tell whem I’m enlightened.”

Receptionist: “Oh, believe me, you’ll be the first to know.”

That parody may sound a little ridiculous but, in reality, most folks searching for some form of spiritual relief can’t just up and leave their lives, wives, partners or jobs and go and live in an ashram.

So before you commit to some form of retreat from the world, its really important to know that what you’re retreating to isn’t worse than what your retreating from.

Look for sites (like this one) that offer glib-free and genuine information about the services and practices these places and teachers offer, and are there to help you make an” informed decision” about your most valuable asset, your spiritual welfare.

The Sarlo’s and Peter’s Pages don’t always offer, “Non-biased and accurate information.” Often there’s a tainted personal opinion that smells of sour grapes, and here’s a taste of what I mean from a review on Sarlo’s Guru Ratings about Eckhart Tolle:

One thing that people overlook here is the similarities of the whole guru thing to other forms of entertainment. getting up on stage, acting, rock n roll, stand up comedy, even after dinner speaking . . . it’s all acting. Osho (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) said something like: ‘when you are nobody, you have to act, what else can you do?’

I find it very telling that the critic frames his argument through the prism of entertainment. Because in my opinion (humble, or not) great bands, comics, artists and actors all have something in common: original ideas and the intangible power to inspire people to look beyond the drudgery of their daily grind. Some even offer a message of hope — or at least transformation of some kind, even if it lasts only as long as the performance.

The other similarity between spiritual teachers and rock stars is that you can experience them first hand yourself, without having to necessarily buy into their world.

Or you could just read a review of someone else’s experience or even become a critic yourself who uses other peoples’ quotes. Which would present another choice (not a comparison): is a critic a person who is professionally engaged in the analysis and interpretation of the works of others and expresses a reasoned judgment, or someone who frequently finds fault and makes harsh judgments like the cynical Amazing Randi who made a business out of disillusioning people who are just looking for a little magic in their lives.

So go ahead, “make my day,” and feel free to respond by rating my writing on any scale you wish But you gotta ask your self (in a Dirty Hari-Krishna kinda way), “Do you feel enlightened?”

Well do ya?

President Obama and his close personal friend

GUEST COLUMN: DANNY KENNY — Ever since I was an angelic little boy, there are many reasons why I’ve always loved Easter. But I would no longer be angelic in good Irish Catholic fashion if I didn’t admit that gorging myself with sumptuous chocolate eggs after a cruel, six-week enforced abstinence (during Lent) from my first love wasn’t a huge part of that.

Even as a child I had trouble equating chocolate eggs and Easter bunnies, but when you’re in a self-induced chocolate coma, such heady thoughts soon pass.

On a deeper level — even though I grew away from my childhood addiction and religion — I still retained a different kind of deeper love for the annual celebration of renewal, faith and hope.

And now, as a Pagan, I value hope more than ever during this transitional cycle that we all find ourselves in. Whatever your credo or beliefs, when you think about the alternative — hopelessness — it just doesn’t bear thinking about.

On a more calibrated, Cosmic Spirit level, what I want to explore is why we celebrate Easter Sunday, and when we celebrate it. Most people are aware that Easter moves each year, but few people recognize the reason for this, or the method and origins of its calculation.

The heavenly clock

In June, 325 A.D., papal astronomers approximated astronomical full moon dates for the Christian church, calling them “Ecclesiastical Full Moon” dates (making the Vatican the first Super Power to lay claim to the Moon), to ensure that Easter falls on the first Sunday after the first Vernal Equinox full moon. Of course this was all calculated under the Julian calendar,whereas now we are dated by the Gregorian calendar.

The Vernal Equinox signifies the astronomical, non-denominational arrival of spring and was considered by pagans as the time to celebrate rebirth and renewal as nature resurrects itself from the symbolic “death” it suffered at Winter Solstice.

Of course, the rebirth/resurrection celebration is as old and pagan as Father Time or the Egyptian god Osiris, who has the rare distinction as one of the oldest gods on record to do the whole virgin-birth-death-resurrection trifecta, long before the birth or death of Christ.

But, God/dess forbid, especially for you God trivia folks who like your factual info on your supernatural deities etched in stone – that would be the Palermo Stone, dated approximately 2500 B.C. And, as a bonus, here’s the:

Womb to the Tomb: Top Three Requirements for a Bona Fide Deity —

1. Osiris is one of the earliest examples in human culture of the dying and resurrected god, linked to the apparent “rebirth of nature” in the Spring. At some time in our cultural development the dying/reborn god (or goddess) was transformed into a psychological interpretation of the need for an eternal spiritual life. The alternative being that without some kind of moral compass; life and death were pointless and therefore living a “good life” and following some kind of moral code was irrelevant.
2. Osiris was no normal mortal and being born of a virgin was considered “magickal,” which helped make him the first true king of the people. He fulfilled his destiny when he died and then rose from the grave and went to the Egyptian form of heaven.
3. Osiris’s son, Horus, was known as the “light of the world,” “The good shepherd,” and “the lamb.” He was also referred to as “The way, the truth, and the life.” Coincidentally, his symbol was a cross.

Heresy, the psyche, and the bunny

But before you scream, “Heresy!” perhaps you should pause to ponder the words of “Bill the Bard,” who rightly said:

There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

And speaking of philosophy, Carl Jung recognized this old Egyptian prototype, when he noted “. . .the Christian era itself owes its name and significance to the antique mystery of the god-man, which has its roots in the archetypal Osiris-Horus myth.”

Of course where there’s a god there’s usually a goddess and Easter was traditionally the time to celebrate feminine fertility in all its forms.

Even the word “Easter” derives from the Latin Eostre (oh-star-ah, also the root of the word “estrogen”), the Spring goddess for whom Easter is named, which in Celtic times was known as “Lady Day.”

Ostara → Eostur → Easter

Again for Christian non-believers, The Venerable Bede (672-735 A.D.), a Christian scholar, first venerably validated in his best seller, De Ratione Temporum, . . .that Easter was named after Eostre or Eastre, who was the Great Mother Goddess of the Saxon people in Northern Europe” and similar “Teutonic dawn goddesses of fertility [were] known variously as Ostare, Ostara, Ostern, Eostra, Eostre, Eostur, etc.”

“So what’s up (Doc) with making like bunnies?” I hear you tut-tut. Well, a rabbit’s gestation period is approximately one month, so it tends to be first animal to give birth in the springtime, which explains why it’s an enduring symbol of fertility and desire. You know: “spring fever.”  In fact, all over the world bunnies or hares, along with the Moon, are venerated as sacred symbols of vitality, fertility and the eternal life-force.

‘Witch’ came first?

But what about the eggs?

Well, from the first tales of humans watching life emerging miraculously from eggs – long before Faberge eggs (or Cadbury’s cream ones) – they were held as sacred objects and carried as fertility amulets, often ornately decorated to honor their deities, or given as treasured gifts.

Still you might just think that sounds like a well-hatched plot, so what about the biggest Easter mystery of all — the mythical Easter bunny?

As I’m sure you suspect, as I did for all these years, the Easter bunny is neither modern nor Christian. The truth is that rabbits delivering decorated eggs figured largely in both Greek and Teutonic pantheons. In fact, a central clue in the hunt for the roots of the modern Easter bunny myth can be traced back to the legend of its namesake, the goddess Eostre:

So much did a lowly rabbit wish to please the goddess that he laid sacred eggs in her honor, decorated them to make them fit for a goddess and then presented them to her. So pleased was she that she wanted all humankind to share in her joy and so her devoted rabbit went through the world and distributed these little decorated symbols of the gift of life.

Hang on to your buns, there’s more to come. A surviving European Easter custom is the eating of hot cross buns. In days of old the bunmen were a familiar sight on Good Friday, flogging their buns with cries of “Hot cross buns, one a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns!” But these days your buns are sold from bakeries, well before the Easter holiday.

As a Christian symbol, the buns derive from the ecclesiastical consecrated loaves, given in churches to those who could not take communion and were given by the priest to the people after the mass, before the congregation left. Although the cross was later said to symbolize the Crucifixion, it had a more ancient origin. It was also a pagan symbol used by the Anglo-Saxons to indicate the four seasons or the wheel of the year. On loaves baked for the Spring equinox, still we all have our crosses to bear.

So why raise all this pagan resurrection stuff at Easter?

Denial and renewal

The simple answer is denial, a Catholic trait that has been around since Peter famously denied being Jesus’ homey three times just before Easter, but which the Roman Catholic church has become expert in, in all its forms, ever since.

I have never met a deity, but then again I’ve never met anyone else who has, either.  I honestly don’t care what others believe in, as long as they don’t try to invalidate my beliefs, convert me to theirs, or persecute me in any way that makes me or others feel uncomfortable about not sharing theirs.

Maybe it wasn’t a coincidence that the foundation was built on man famous for denial. Because ever since then the church has been in denial about the wrongs it has committed with its own congregation in the past and present, not to mention the persecution and denial of the validity of others to practice their own spiritual faith. My point is that it’s impossible to celebrate renewal if you live in denial.

Be that as it may, this is could sound like a conspiracy thing and we don’t need that at a time of renewal! We all belong to a “conspiracy of hope” and any day we get to see the sun rise (or son of God rise) in the name of peace, it has to be good day for all of us!

So Happy Ostara/Easter or whatever way you look at it, it’s all good, because as the other Elvis (the imposter) said, “What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?!”

Danny Kenny is a San Francisco-based writer and a Pagan witch.

SOUL’S CODE — Here, we come to the aid of all spell-bound Americans who, with the help of the media and Soul’s Code itself, once blurred the lines between Obama and Christ.

Thus, we name the Top 10 differences between the president and the real Jesus:

1. According to the Mormons, Jesus Christ lived in North America hundreds of years ago, and is due back for a “second coming.” Obama was born in Hawaii; everyone, possibly even Sarah Pallin, knows that Hawaii’s not in North America.

2. Jesus didn’t deign to dance, even when they played the flute for him (Matthew 11:17). Obama, on the other hand, enjoys shaking what God gave him, as the president-elect did to a Beyonce tune on the Ellen Degeneres Show.

3. Like his mother, Jesus was a virgin.  Obama has had sex, at least twice.

4. Jesus had John the Baptist, an ascetic who was the first Christian martyr, as his personal guru. Obama had Rev. Jeremiah Wright, a televangelist impersonator who took the Lord’s name in vain in church.

5. When Obama draws large crowds he does not walk on water. But when his fans faint, he does give them water. The bottled kind. (Picture, left, after two spectators faint at a rally in October, 2008.)

6. Obama studied law, edited the Harvard Law Review, practiced law, taught law — and married a lawyer. Jesus said, “First thing, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Oh, wait . . . Oops, that was Shakespeare.

7. Speaking of lawyers, say Jesus had earned a law degree. Like Obama. There’s no way that Pontius Pilate could have crucified him like he did. At least, not on a Friday. The appeal alone would have taken years.

8. Thus said Obama: “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” As a kosher Jew, J.C. would never have dreamed of putting a pig in drag — or dine on swine, politically speaking.

9. J.C. *knew* that he was the son of the one and true God. But in October, 2008 at a bipartisan fundraiser in New York City Obama confessed, as rival McNasty looked on:

Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth. (Minute 6:00, in the video link).

10. Jesus rode on the back of an ass (rhymes with honkey) into the capital of his country. An ass (right) rode on Obama’s back into D.C.

A site called Hot Mormon Muffins has created an attention getting calendar picturing luscious Mormon moms in appealing poses, after the style of 1950s pin-up artist Joyce Ballantyne.  The idea is to be a “vehicle to create dialog and deliberately debunk the subservient stereotypes of women’s roles within the Mormon Church.”  Note that a men’s version of the calendar, Men on a Mission, is also available.   The site founder was raised in a 6th generation Mormon family and has been excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for pushing this particular envelope.

Scientology’s Most Frequently Viewed Celebrity, Tom Cruise

While frequently glancing at attractive men or women on a calendar may be fun for many, repetitive viewing of highly edited video clips of a celebrity is mandatory (and smothering) for others.  Scientologist employees have been forced to watch Tom Cruise video montages for “inspiration” as part of their training, according to Marc Headley.  Headley’s new book Blown for Good details how as a Scientology employee-in-training he fasted from newspaper reading and “regular TV”, and was fed a steady diet of  Tommy Cruise video clips,  24-7.

Birthday of Baha’u'llah

Bahais around the world will celebrate the birthday of one of their founders, Baha’u'llah (November 12).  An ardent follower and marked successor of the Bab, Baha’u'llah declared himself to be the one promised by the Bab: the living manifestation of God in our time.  Baha’u'llah was bold enough to announce this prophecy, even issuing a dire warning to Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm I (1797-1888) if his status was not recognized.  The punishment: the “swords of retribution” of World War I.

Lost Books behind the Berlin Wall

Twenty years ago East Germans had their own retribution (of an entirely different kind): discarding communist-era books.  Monday marks the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, but  many East Germans did not want to be unified with their literary heritage under communist rule.  An estimated 100 million books were openly discarded in the early 1990s.  Fortunately the Reverend Martin Weskott saved nearly 1 million of these texts, storing and selling them in his barn, a veritable repository of lost texts reminiscent to the collections in Nag Hammadi,  Qumran, and the Cairo Genizah. 

Jewish Mystical Torah Scroll

Another carefully preserved manuscript is for sale this month, but this one is over 700 years old with an estimated worth of $500,000.  Sotheby’s Judaica will be selling the oldest complete Torah Scroll from Spain.  The scroll is unique because its Hebrew letters contain cabalistic “tagin.” The tagin are marks indicating an esoteric meaning in the Hebrew letters and words.  Combining these special letters into new words is promised to reveal the secret mysteries of God, creation, the universe, and future events.