All my life I have been told “Of COURSE you love your father” and heard exhortations that I should “try harder” and “reconcile” with him. So many people seem to think that a child has no choice in the matter but to love and sustain abuse from a mentally ill person just because that person is a parent.

In all cases, I believe love is a choice, not a biological requirement or hard-coded emotion due to shared genetic material. Fortunately, my problematic parent is capable of taking care of himself so I have been able to step back and away from his mental illness and abuse to take care of myself. It sounds like you have learned a lot from this and I commend your awareness on this issue.

I’m at lunch at work and read your article because, well, I wanted to know who this Paul K. person was. And I realized “why” we’ve been introduced by Ms. Bev.

I detest, loath and despise the word codependence. For me it brings up memories of the Bradshaw/Williamson inner child and the 80’s self-help centrifuge that sucked in so many people, including me, to come learn about blame and self-pity; and spit them back out years later as exhausted psychotherapy patients (both emotionally and financially). Hillman’s take on that is quite interesting — I’ve been researching the Soul’s Code lingo, too. That was a completely new term to me, I like new terms.

Then I realized I just had my defense mechanisms up and running like clockwork. That word grates on me like fingernails on a blackboard. It’s the old you spot it you got it routine — (sigh).

I could take my childhood, send you a couple of stories and we could compare notes on mothers, except mine suicided when I was 10. I used to think that was a trump — but at the ripe old age of 43 I realize it was a relief. I didn’t have to endure more than 10 years of the insanity, as a child or as an adult.

The anguish in your words, in your honesty and the admittance that you could not help her and sought freedom/control through the need to help… I’ve been there and still live there on some days. I saw thoughts that you just expressed that set my hands to shaking and I knew it was an “a-ha” moment.

Yeah… I’m here. Ready to go to work. When the student is ready…
-SueAnn

i struggle, as do a lot of people, with viewing my parents as just people..nothing more, nothing less. do i owe them anything because they brought me into this world? no more or less than i “owe” a person i see walking down the street beside me. i owe them respect as fellow human beings who are going thru their own issues (some of which they have passed along to me), but i don’t need to carry them for life (either emotionally or financially).