Decoding Codependency
Psychology's solution to CODEPENDENCY
BY DAVID RICKEY — From a psychological perspective, codependence is an issue of inappropriate boundaries.
The codependent person has difficulty experiencing adequate separation. As Paul Kaihla describes in the previous installment, you are so psychically plugged into someone else that you experience anxiety any time that person—your partner, mother, brother, lover, whomever—is suffering, or you're afraid they will suffer.
Your emotional state bounces up and down like a yo-yo in response to the 'tug' of the other, or you are constantly evaluating your own choices based on how you think the other person will be affected. That anxiety limits your ability to grow and individuate (a psych term of art for 'feeling who you are').
The reason: you imbibe a 'reality' that your well-being is dependent on the well-being of the Other — “I won’t be OK, if you’re not OK.” It's a logical extension to then believe that you can insure your own well-being by ensuring the well-being of the Other, who will then ostensibly return the favor. The tacit emotional bargain becomes: “I’ll allow you to be OK, but you will make me OK.”
As an earlier slide about the Enneagram and Type 2 'Helpers' describes, the 'I' in the codependent person believes that he or she is un-loveable in-and-for-themselves, and therefore needs the 'Other' to make them feel OK.
Both of these ways of being derive from inadequate “individuation” in childhood. The illusion of needing to control the external world is produced by two factors: the early experience of absolute dependence, coupled with (age-appropriate) undeveloped boundaries — and a high level of experienced stress.
You are locked in a relationship.
The key that turns that lock into position with a co-conspirator: an 'other' who has learned to manipulate a codependent relationship to their own benefit. Remember, the dilemma of being on a see-saw and wanting to get off, but knowing that the other kid will fall if you do?
As long as they don't take responsibility for their end, you feel responsible for both ends.The “solution” comes — again, as the 'confession' in the previous panel illustrates — when you become conscious of the mechanisms, and choose to “push through” to a new experience of separateness, in the sense that you take responsibility for your own well-being (they won't!). Experience the 'other' as, actually, other. The willingness to tolerate the inner anxiety from that move, while exercising separateness, blows the illusion — and ultimately leap-frogs a growth beyond codependency.
NEXT: The spiritual solution to CODEPENDENCE
I wouldn´t exactly call it a confession,although I have plenty of confessions perhaps necessary to make because of my codeependent behaviour. It is more a realisation that after trying for years to fix my alcoholic mother then my alcoholic husband and more recently my drug dependent friend
- and yes I confess lover I finally came to the realisation that the only person I need to fix is myself because I have through destructive traits and avoidance been sabotaging my own health and happiness and joy in living not to mention family unity and happiness for as long as I can remember. It has been horrible to wake-up to this fact but I suppose better late than never. I also discovered how arrogant I was thinking I was solely responsible for the happiness of others. In reality I think I caused more pain than happiness but at least I no longer feel solely responsible for all their unhappiness which is a plus! Wish I could reverse all the pain but at least I can try to put a stop to it and try to be a better role model for my kids from now on.
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More and more I am realizing how my connection to other’s in their struggles has held me back from my own accomplishments. It seems I so want to share what I’ve learned and short-circuit their own learning. Good info here – thanks for providing and sharing.