Forgiving the Unforgivable
by: Paul Kaihla, 
04. Nov, 2007 
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My prison reckoning
Rick Warr, the mediator with the Criminal Justice department, picked me up at my hotel. We drove through the main entrance, past cornfields and cattle, and eventually reached the sprawling prison buildings, all made of yellow brick.
My meeting with Black — more than a year in the making, logistically, and many more than that, spiritually — was to take place at 10:00 a.m. We were taken to a stark, fluorescent-lit room used for officer trainings, where we waited for an endless 30 minutes. An inmate brought a tray with three pitchers — water, sweet iced tea, fruit punch. Eventually, in walked John Black, followed by a guard. In a flash, I recognized him from the grainy newspaper photos I had seen years ago: The same tall, thin frame, slightly stooped. He wore baggy, white elastic-waist pants, pajama-like, and loose pullover. His dark brown hair had a touch of gray. He wore thick glasses. He looked nervous.
I stood up and reached to shake his hand. 'Hello John,' I said. 'I'm Tom.' We sat across from each other at a folding table. Rick Warr sat at the head, between us. Black took out a letter. He apologized that it might be inadequate. He read in a soft voice with little intonation, in halting, staccato bursts. I leaned in just inches from his face to hear him:
Maybe it is best to simply be blunt and confess openly that I am guilty of the crime I am in prison for. Your sister was truly an innocent victim . . . I know that moment in time has forever affected and changed many lives, yours, your family's, my family's, my own . . .
I cannot count the days (months, years) I spent wishing and hoping and praying that I could somehow go back and change what happened . . . Difficult though reality may be, it is where we must live.
My crime against your sister was not something I had planned . . . She was a total stranger to me and it was pure chance that led our paths to cross that night. Her death was a tragic mistake, a terrible crime . . . and yet, her death has become the motivating factor behind the change in my life . . . I don't mean the circumstances of where I now live, but in who I am today as a human being . . .
Let me just profess my faith to you, Tom, as a Christian. I believe wholeheartedly that Jesus died for the sins of this world and that includes my sin against your sister.
. . . It was in the County Jail prior to my trial that the real horror of my crime came home to me, and led me to fall down on my knees seeking the Lord. It is because of your sister that I gave my life to Christ, and now fully understand how very precious and valuable life is.
. . . I do believe [God] is ultimately in control of our destiny and it is a fact that He works through people. Your sister, even in death, is a part of this because she is a part of who I have become. She remains a beacon, and helps to keep me focused on the right path before me. She is a constant reminder of the evil I have done, but she is also a very real influence to do something positive with the life I have.
Tom, I don't know much about you, other than what I glean from your letter, but you opened the door to this communication and I hope it will not be closed once our meeting has ended.
. . . I, too, desire to live in a world where people can talk to one another. There was a time when I did not know how to communicate . . . I think, through you, your sister still has something yet to say to me. I can only pray that through our meeting, God will somehow give you a peace and sense of healing and comfort that can only come from Him . . . It is my hope that through (this meeting) . . . we will both be able to grow and learn and become better human beings. I know I have no right to expect it, but I do hope and pray that, maybe, one day, you might be able to find it in your heart to forgive me for what I have done.
Sincerely, John P. Black: #927B64;
April 29, 2008
Toward the end, his eyes filled with tears, and he wiped them with his sleeve. My own eyes welled up, too. Now, it was my turn to talk.
NEXT: Getting to know my sister's killer
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I want to thank Tom Hudgens for sharing this amazing story with us. It is well written, heartfelt and made me feel hopeful for a world where as he describes his wishes: "......I want to live in, where people can come together and talk and come to deeper understandings." Beautifully said.
I was deeply touched by his descriptions of John Black. Clearly, Tom's heart was open when he attended this meeting and this allowed him to see John Black for who he was that day not the day he murdered his sister. I was equally touched by John Black's statement about Tom's sister: "I think, through you, your sister still has something yet to say to me." What a powerful awareness to have and how brave to be open to hearing not only from the sister's living brother but also from the sister he had murdered. This says to me he had taken full responsibility for his actions and was willing to bear the full weight of hearing of the pain he had caused. Through Tom's willingness to meet with John it would appear they both received healing.
The divine timing of it all is a miracle in and of itself. I loved how Tom showed the magical sychronicity when he said: "He delivered his first sermon three years ago, the same year I began meditating at Spirit Rock in Marin County, California. The subject: reconciliation."
I have taken so many things away from this reading and one of the most important is the reminder to stay with the mystery. In the words of Tim Hudgen:
"Learning to live with mystery is, to me, an important aspect of any spiritual path." WOW!! What a wonderful reminder and Tom had you just said this to me and not shared the intimate details of your path to forgiveness these words would not have been as meaningful to me. Your forgiveness was not conditional, not based on "facts" that would help you make sense of it all. This is a very powerful lesson about the mind. It thinks it needs data to understand, to decide what to do next when what it needs is trust and in my opinion guidance from spirit.
Thank you! and thank you Soul Code I love this site. I will be recommending it to my friends.
Namaste
Jonina
amazing story...read something recently that probably is applicable here..."forgiveness does not mean what you did is ok to me...it simply means i am no longer willing to carry around pain in response to your actions"...
i almost cried like a million times
Hi Tom,
Your heart rending tale of forgiveness will always stay in my heart and would always serve as a beacon light!
Thank you very much for having the courage to share your own story with all of us!
God bless you!
Best Regards,
Sagira. J
India
Hi Tom,
To err is human and to forgive is divine!!! Tom, you have set a great example to mankind.
Wish you luck and God bless you always - Take care
Regards,
Varsha
India
Hmm. Well. I was raped, and I think you're full of CRAP. It's very easy for people who have never been through trauma to sit and tell you how wise you are: I think you're an idiot. Forgiveness means to stop letting another person's toxicity affect you. You can do that without going head-to-head with a murderer. I noticed that you told him more about your sister. WHY? Does he deserve to know, simply because he raped and murdered her?
But maybe you're on to something. I should send my rapist a newsletter. You know. Just so he knows I haven't forgotten.
I hope you realize that sociopaths get off on attention like that. If you felt the need to forgive - fine. But when you contacted him, you were playing into his hands. I'm sure he was bored in his cell 24/7 and jumped for joy when he found out he had the opportunity to relive it and rehash the details - with one of her family members - who wanted to FORGIVE HIM!
Sociopath - 1
Tom - 0
Dear Tom
May your heart and soul be filled with happiness. Everyone has the right to feel free of burdening and confusing emotions. I am sorry for your loss. But at the same time, what you did very few people can.
Bless you
praseena
Dear Tom,
I thank you very much for sharing your greatness of spirit, shown in your act of forgiveness. It is so much easier to blame and be a victim, and so much more freeing to see the high perspective where we are love and light, and act from that. We all behave in hurtful ways, each time we forget that love in our heart.
Thank you again,
With love & kindness
Marlise
My only problem with this story is that the offender was very forgivable. He was repentent, open, and kind. The title to this article is misleading. There is a huge difference when somebody doesn't want to be forgiven or doesn't care if you forgive them.
In this story, he author gets closure by talking to the offender in an edifying way. But, if the offender doesn't want to talk to the offended and hates the offended, what closure can there be in this manner? You can forgive all day long, but when there is no closure, no admission of guilt, no remorse from the offender, that's a very different thing and a much harder pill to swallow for the offended. This article doesn't address that, which is what I was hoping for. It's a feel good hollywood movie story. I can't draw much from it for myself and apply it to the heinous, real world things I have met with in my life. Life is more gritty than this swill. Other than that, it was well written.
June 28, 1976. I was 16. My sister 18. Her boyfriend took a risky move driving and she died. She had basically left home to live with him, and had not reconciled with my parents or me before she left without notice, about three weeks earlier. I had seen her since, but not my parents.
Two weeks ago, I am back home, visiting my mom. I was teaching her about how to add friends into Facebook. One of his sisters came into the conversation. And what's he doing, I ask. Oh, he lives in town she said. He has two grown daughters.
I know my mother very well. She never had any anger toward him. She certainly missed her daughter, my sister. We'd cried plenty over her being gone. But never any anger toward him. We were sad for him, but never any anger or blame.
The moment talking about him passed. No drama or workshops or epiphany.
My conclusion is this: the forgiveness is not for the other person.
My life gave me several chances to relearn this. One that comes to mind is when I was beaten beyond recognition at age 21 in the process of getting my car stolen. I had flashbacks and nightmares for years following. After all the adrenalin and years passed, the only thing that gave me any peace was forgiving the person that I knew I would never see again.
Eckhart Tolle's book Awakening describes my experience better than I can. You can read that if you or someone you know it trying to forgive.