Forgiving the Unforgivable
by: Paul Kaihla, 
04. Nov, 2007 
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Readying my heart to meet my sister's murderer
BY TOM HUDGENS — 'John Black is very eager for this meeting.'
That was the short and simple email I received from Rick Warr, a mediator with the Texas Department of Criminal Justice who was arranging for me to meet John Black, the man serving a life sentence for raping and murdering my sister 30 years ago.
Why was he eager? I wondered. What did he think would happen?
As the trip to Texas approached, I sought the wise counsel of Donald Rothberg, my first meditation teacher at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. He helped keep my thinking clear: 'All you know is that you have been given the opportunity to forgive him,' he told me. 'That's all you know. This is a big experiment.'
Rothberg's advice was essentially to 'practice' insight meditation — lots of it.
Insight meditation is just sitting quietly, spine erect, eyes closed, concentrating on the physical sensation of the breath, and paying close attention to other physical sensations and thoughts as they arise, and pass away.We gradually come to recognize that our thoughts — including our fears and desires — are simply thoughts: Like all phenomena, they arise and pass away. We don't have to act on them, or even believe in them.
Normally, I meditate for a half-hour every morning, but to prepare for the journey, I began to meditate at least twice daily, and for longer periods. I also practiced 'loving kindness' meditation. This consists of mentally 'reciting' four traditional phrases, first directing them toward ourselves: 'May I be safe...may I be happy...may I be healthy...may I be at peace.'
Following that, in the traditional sequence, the phrases are directed toward a benefactor, a dear friend, a 'neutral' person, then, finally, an 'enemy.'
Rothberg suggested that I direct the traditional meditative phrases of love toward myself, which I struggled with.
I then remembered what another Spirit Rock teacher said: By truly loving ourselves, we create an ever more radiant, compassionate heart within us that can more readily embrace other people. In this way, paradoxically, loving and forgiving yourself is one of the kindest things you can do for others.
Several days before flying to Texas, I attended my third retreat. Most of the daytime sittings were outside, beneath Bay trees in a meadow in the hills above Spirit Rock. Nothing could have been more calming.
One morning, a truth struck me deeply — that all beings simply want to be happy, to thrive. Even a rapist-murderer, someone using, then taking, the life of another. In his deeply twisted confusion, in his unthinking, reactive, blind agony of desire and fear, even John Black wanted happiness.
The day before my visit, Warr visited me at my hotel and we spoke for two hours. A soft-spoken man in his 50s with a slight Texas accent, Warr carefully reviewed the questionnaires I had filled out. He asked if I wanted to see a photo of John Black. I did. Somehow it was very helpful: it calmed my expectations, narrowed the vast field of possibilities my mind was raking over and over, to see a photo of the man I'd meet the next day. His eyes had a particular intensity.
Warr told me that John Black often quoted Bible verses. He told me that John Black had 'college-graduate' intelligence. He told me that John Black was worried that I might take his habit of smiling as a sign of disrespect. He told me that John Black had written me a letter that he would read at the meeting.
That evening I was assailed by fear. I knew first to address the fear rationally — Warr had assured me that a prison is actually a very safe place. The fear took another form: that I might somehow flub the meeting.
Donald Rothberg's words came back to me: 'All you know is that you have been given the opportunity to forgive him.'
In the weeks leading up to this moment, I had realized that, in the context of meditation and compassion and our interconnection as human beings, forgiving John Black was actually a very simple thing. I felt it, I knew it.
Now all I needed to do was go to him and say it.
NEXT: My prison reckoning
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I want to thank Tom Hudgens for sharing this amazing story with us. It is well written, heartfelt and made me feel hopeful for a world where as he describes his wishes: "......I want to live in, where people can come together and talk and come to deeper understandings." Beautifully said.
I was deeply touched by his descriptions of John Black. Clearly, Tom's heart was open when he attended this meeting and this allowed him to see John Black for who he was that day not the day he murdered his sister. I was equally touched by John Black's statement about Tom's sister: "I think, through you, your sister still has something yet to say to me." What a powerful awareness to have and how brave to be open to hearing not only from the sister's living brother but also from the sister he had murdered. This says to me he had taken full responsibility for his actions and was willing to bear the full weight of hearing of the pain he had caused. Through Tom's willingness to meet with John it would appear they both received healing.
The divine timing of it all is a miracle in and of itself. I loved how Tom showed the magical sychronicity when he said: "He delivered his first sermon three years ago, the same year I began meditating at Spirit Rock in Marin County, California. The subject: reconciliation."
I have taken so many things away from this reading and one of the most important is the reminder to stay with the mystery. In the words of Tim Hudgen:
"Learning to live with mystery is, to me, an important aspect of any spiritual path." WOW!! What a wonderful reminder and Tom had you just said this to me and not shared the intimate details of your path to forgiveness these words would not have been as meaningful to me. Your forgiveness was not conditional, not based on "facts" that would help you make sense of it all. This is a very powerful lesson about the mind. It thinks it needs data to understand, to decide what to do next when what it needs is trust and in my opinion guidance from spirit.
Thank you! and thank you Soul Code I love this site. I will be recommending it to my friends.
Namaste
Jonina
amazing story...read something recently that probably is applicable here..."forgiveness does not mean what you did is ok to me...it simply means i am no longer willing to carry around pain in response to your actions"...
i almost cried like a million times
Hi Tom,
Your heart rending tale of forgiveness will always stay in my heart and would always serve as a beacon light!
Thank you very much for having the courage to share your own story with all of us!
God bless you!
Best Regards,
Sagira. J
India
Hi Tom,
To err is human and to forgive is divine!!! Tom, you have set a great example to mankind.
Wish you luck and God bless you always - Take care
Regards,
Varsha
India
Hmm. Well. I was raped, and I think you're full of CRAP. It's very easy for people who have never been through trauma to sit and tell you how wise you are: I think you're an idiot. Forgiveness means to stop letting another person's toxicity affect you. You can do that without going head-to-head with a murderer. I noticed that you told him more about your sister. WHY? Does he deserve to know, simply because he raped and murdered her?
But maybe you're on to something. I should send my rapist a newsletter. You know. Just so he knows I haven't forgotten.
I hope you realize that sociopaths get off on attention like that. If you felt the need to forgive - fine. But when you contacted him, you were playing into his hands. I'm sure he was bored in his cell 24/7 and jumped for joy when he found out he had the opportunity to relive it and rehash the details - with one of her family members - who wanted to FORGIVE HIM!
Sociopath - 1
Tom - 0
Dear Tom
May your heart and soul be filled with happiness. Everyone has the right to feel free of burdening and confusing emotions. I am sorry for your loss. But at the same time, what you did very few people can.
Bless you
praseena
Dear Tom,
I thank you very much for sharing your greatness of spirit, shown in your act of forgiveness. It is so much easier to blame and be a victim, and so much more freeing to see the high perspective where we are love and light, and act from that. We all behave in hurtful ways, each time we forget that love in our heart.
Thank you again,
With love & kindness
Marlise
My only problem with this story is that the offender was very forgivable. He was repentent, open, and kind. The title to this article is misleading. There is a huge difference when somebody doesn't want to be forgiven or doesn't care if you forgive them.
In this story, he author gets closure by talking to the offender in an edifying way. But, if the offender doesn't want to talk to the offended and hates the offended, what closure can there be in this manner? You can forgive all day long, but when there is no closure, no admission of guilt, no remorse from the offender, that's a very different thing and a much harder pill to swallow for the offended. This article doesn't address that, which is what I was hoping for. It's a feel good hollywood movie story. I can't draw much from it for myself and apply it to the heinous, real world things I have met with in my life. Life is more gritty than this swill. Other than that, it was well written.
June 28, 1976. I was 16. My sister 18. Her boyfriend took a risky move driving and she died. She had basically left home to live with him, and had not reconciled with my parents or me before she left without notice, about three weeks earlier. I had seen her since, but not my parents.
Two weeks ago, I am back home, visiting my mom. I was teaching her about how to add friends into Facebook. One of his sisters came into the conversation. And what's he doing, I ask. Oh, he lives in town she said. He has two grown daughters.
I know my mother very well. She never had any anger toward him. She certainly missed her daughter, my sister. We'd cried plenty over her being gone. But never any anger toward him. We were sad for him, but never any anger or blame.
The moment talking about him passed. No drama or workshops or epiphany.
My conclusion is this: the forgiveness is not for the other person.
My life gave me several chances to relearn this. One that comes to mind is when I was beaten beyond recognition at age 21 in the process of getting my car stolen. I had flashbacks and nightmares for years following. After all the adrenalin and years passed, the only thing that gave me any peace was forgiving the person that I knew I would never see again.
Eckhart Tolle's book Awakening describes my experience better than I can. You can read that if you or someone you know it trying to forgive.