Forgiving the Unforgivable
by: Paul Kaihla, 
04. Nov, 2007 
10 Comments
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The moment of truth
John Black, who is 30 years into a life sentence, had told me about his life, with the honesty I had asked for. Now I was telling him about his victim, who was taken from the world when she was 22 and I was just 9.
My sister, I told him, was a talented artist, proficient in many media: painting, drawing, lithography, photography, jewelry, sculpture. She was a straight-A student in the history of the art program at University of Texas, and the summer after she died her friends mounted a show of her artwork at a gallery in Austin.
I was her 'baby,' I told John Black — she gave me my first haircut, made all my early birthday cakes and made beautiful cards for every holiday. I told him how much I always looked forward to visiting her in Austin, how she would sit me on the tall stool of her drafting table with enormous sheets of drawing paper, pens and pencils and watercolors and markers galore. I told John Black how, when she'd come to tuck me in at night, she'd scratch my back until I'd fall asleep.
My sister had a terrific, zany, silly sense of humor. After she died, I told John Black, we discovered cassette tapes of her singing-we never knew she could sing! On one, she accompanied herself on guitar, singing 'Angel of Montgomery,' but I accidentally taped over it. On another, she and two of her friends sang an old version of 'Rivers of Babylon.' The end of that song has a wonderful line:
So let the words of our mouths
And the meditations of our hearts
Be acceptable in thy sight
Over I
I told John Black our last memory of my sister. She had been visiting my mother and me, probably the Christmas/New Year's of 1977/78. She had arrived, as usual, by Greyhound bus, but on that visit my mother gave her our old car, a navy-blue Chevrolet Vega.
This became our last image: My sister driving down our street in the Vega, while my mother and I stand on the curb, waving goodbye. As she drives off, she is waving gracefully out the window. We all keep waving until she turns the corner and is gone.
I asked John Black to describe his cell. He drew a small square on a piece of paper, and used a pen to point out his bed, a bookshelf, Bible, Concordance, other religious books, a calendar, a radio (he listens to a Christian station) and a fan. He is near a window, he said, so he can see animals outside. I ask him what he misses most about the outside world, the 'free world' as inmates call it. He told me that he misses living on his own schedule. Then he says he misses animals-he grew up in a rural area.
He is active in the prison chapel-he was chosen by the chaplain to be a deacon, and he even occasionally gives the sermon. He delivered his first sermon three years ago, the same year I began meditating at Spirit Rock in Marin County, California. The subject: reconciliation. I asked about opportunities he's had to help people. He struggled to answer this; the struggle, I believe, was to answer without pride. He then told me about an inmate who had killed many people and was being taunted by another inmate. The first inmate showed John Black a 'shank' that he intended to use to kill the guy taunting him. John Black talked him out of it, and got him to hand in the knife.
Finally, I took John Black's hands in mine. 'John,' I said. 'I forgive you for your crimes of raping and killing my sister. From what I can see today, you are a good, honest, intelligent, thoughtful man.'
'To me,' I went on, ''forgiveness' means I can accept what happened, that you did what you did, and that today, in this moment, I can wish you well, that I feel compassion towards you. And I hope that you can someday forgive yourself.'
'Praise God,' said John Black. 'Thank you. Thank you.'
At this point, the meeting was mostly over. Both John Black and I had to fill out one last brief questionnaire. As John Black was leaving the room, I did something that surprised us both: I put my arms around him. Though he held his hips at an angle, he returned the hug wholeheartedly, saying, 'Oh, I didn't know if this would be appropriate, but I hoped it would be.'
I looked down and saw his small leather-bound Bible, given to him 20 years ago.
'That sure looks well-worn,' I said.
'That,' he said, 'is my crutch.'
'Aww, no it's not,' I said, to which he replied: 'Oh, yes it is. It definitely is.'
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I want to thank Tom Hudgens for sharing this amazing story with us. It is well written, heartfelt and made me feel hopeful for a world where as he describes his wishes: "......I want to live in, where people can come together and talk and come to deeper understandings." Beautifully said.
I was deeply touched by his descriptions of John Black. Clearly, Tom's heart was open when he attended this meeting and this allowed him to see John Black for who he was that day not the day he murdered his sister. I was equally touched by John Black's statement about Tom's sister: "I think, through you, your sister still has something yet to say to me." What a powerful awareness to have and how brave to be open to hearing not only from the sister's living brother but also from the sister he had murdered. This says to me he had taken full responsibility for his actions and was willing to bear the full weight of hearing of the pain he had caused. Through Tom's willingness to meet with John it would appear they both received healing.
The divine timing of it all is a miracle in and of itself. I loved how Tom showed the magical sychronicity when he said: "He delivered his first sermon three years ago, the same year I began meditating at Spirit Rock in Marin County, California. The subject: reconciliation."
I have taken so many things away from this reading and one of the most important is the reminder to stay with the mystery. In the words of Tim Hudgen:
"Learning to live with mystery is, to me, an important aspect of any spiritual path." WOW!! What a wonderful reminder and Tom had you just said this to me and not shared the intimate details of your path to forgiveness these words would not have been as meaningful to me. Your forgiveness was not conditional, not based on "facts" that would help you make sense of it all. This is a very powerful lesson about the mind. It thinks it needs data to understand, to decide what to do next when what it needs is trust and in my opinion guidance from spirit.
Thank you! and thank you Soul Code I love this site. I will be recommending it to my friends.
Namaste
Jonina
amazing story...read something recently that probably is applicable here..."forgiveness does not mean what you did is ok to me...it simply means i am no longer willing to carry around pain in response to your actions"...
i almost cried like a million times
Hi Tom,
Your heart rending tale of forgiveness will always stay in my heart and would always serve as a beacon light!
Thank you very much for having the courage to share your own story with all of us!
God bless you!
Best Regards,
Sagira. J
India
Hi Tom,
To err is human and to forgive is divine!!! Tom, you have set a great example to mankind.
Wish you luck and God bless you always - Take care
Regards,
Varsha
India
Hmm. Well. I was raped, and I think you're full of CRAP. It's very easy for people who have never been through trauma to sit and tell you how wise you are: I think you're an idiot. Forgiveness means to stop letting another person's toxicity affect you. You can do that without going head-to-head with a murderer. I noticed that you told him more about your sister. WHY? Does he deserve to know, simply because he raped and murdered her?
But maybe you're on to something. I should send my rapist a newsletter. You know. Just so he knows I haven't forgotten.
I hope you realize that sociopaths get off on attention like that. If you felt the need to forgive - fine. But when you contacted him, you were playing into his hands. I'm sure he was bored in his cell 24/7 and jumped for joy when he found out he had the opportunity to relive it and rehash the details - with one of her family members - who wanted to FORGIVE HIM!
Sociopath - 1
Tom - 0
Dear Tom
May your heart and soul be filled with happiness. Everyone has the right to feel free of burdening and confusing emotions. I am sorry for your loss. But at the same time, what you did very few people can.
Bless you
praseena
Dear Tom,
I thank you very much for sharing your greatness of spirit, shown in your act of forgiveness. It is so much easier to blame and be a victim, and so much more freeing to see the high perspective where we are love and light, and act from that. We all behave in hurtful ways, each time we forget that love in our heart.
Thank you again,
With love & kindness
Marlise
My only problem with this story is that the offender was very forgivable. He was repentent, open, and kind. The title to this article is misleading. There is a huge difference when somebody doesn't want to be forgiven or doesn't care if you forgive them.
In this story, he author gets closure by talking to the offender in an edifying way. But, if the offender doesn't want to talk to the offended and hates the offended, what closure can there be in this manner? You can forgive all day long, but when there is no closure, no admission of guilt, no remorse from the offender, that's a very different thing and a much harder pill to swallow for the offended. This article doesn't address that, which is what I was hoping for. It's a feel good hollywood movie story. I can't draw much from it for myself and apply it to the heinous, real world things I have met with in my life. Life is more gritty than this swill. Other than that, it was well written.
June 28, 1976. I was 16. My sister 18. Her boyfriend took a risky move driving and she died. She had basically left home to live with him, and had not reconciled with my parents or me before she left without notice, about three weeks earlier. I had seen her since, but not my parents.
Two weeks ago, I am back home, visiting my mom. I was teaching her about how to add friends into Facebook. One of his sisters came into the conversation. And what's he doing, I ask. Oh, he lives in town she said. He has two grown daughters.
I know my mother very well. She never had any anger toward him. She certainly missed her daughter, my sister. We'd cried plenty over her being gone. But never any anger toward him. We were sad for him, but never any anger or blame.
The moment talking about him passed. No drama or workshops or epiphany.
My conclusion is this: the forgiveness is not for the other person.
My life gave me several chances to relearn this. One that comes to mind is when I was beaten beyond recognition at age 21 in the process of getting my car stolen. I had flashbacks and nightmares for years following. After all the adrenalin and years passed, the only thing that gave me any peace was forgiving the person that I knew I would never see again.
Eckhart Tolle's book Awakening describes my experience better than I can. You can read that if you or someone you know it trying to forgive.