Comments on: Killing me with kindness http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/ Everyone's a Guru Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:39:06 +0000 hourly 1 By: andy taylor http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/comment-page-1/#comment-133236 andy taylor Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:54:51 +0000 http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/#comment-133236 if i live to 90 i might make a good parent, with luck! am 42 with 19, 16 and 9 year old boys. if i live to 90 i might make a good parent, with luck! am 42 with 19, 16 and 9 year old boys.

]]> By: Paul http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/comment-page-1/#comment-40198 Paul Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:18:43 +0000 http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/#comment-40198 Great perspective on "letting go" and parenting. Not easy. I come from a strict English background, with all the pro's and cons, grateful for the opportunities, (in the meantime) progressively understanding of my "let-downs". Years ago I told my parents that I was sorry for the grief I had caused them and pleased for their gifts. A not so evident thing in their rather distant and dated views on this world, yet I had come to see them as persons and no longer in their role as parents. When raising my own 2 boys, the main theme for us was consequence and communication. For me personally above all I wanted them to get to know me as a person, with all I had to offer and my admitted flaws as well, in a warm loving atmosphere. As far as the sour comment above relating to Africa, all I can say is I physically tried it and it takes an African ( or a lifetime over there) to understand how we could possibly be of any durable help in the first place. Throwing a sack of food out of a plane is not the answer, the impact and eco footprint alone makes it a bit dubious. "Darwins nightmare" is a no frills doc on the state of affairs in that continent now. There's enough to be done locally on a humanistic level in that respect, but that could sometimes be to confronting or self evident. Back on topic, I think once we see our parents as persons, it becomes easier to feel what it was about and to move out of that place, we all get to cut the cord sometime, and cherish the effort they made. Great perspective on “letting go” and parenting.
Not easy.
I come from a strict English background, with all the pro’s and cons,
grateful for the opportunities, (in the meantime) progressively understanding of my “let-downs”.

Years ago I told my parents that I was sorry for the grief I had caused them and pleased for their gifts.
A not so evident thing in their rather distant and dated views on this world, yet I had come to see
them as persons and no longer in their role as parents.
When raising my own 2 boys, the main theme for us was consequence and communication.
For me personally above all I wanted them to get to know me as a person,
with all I had to offer and my admitted flaws as well, in a warm loving atmosphere.

As far as the sour comment above relating to Africa, all I can say is I physically tried it and it takes an African ( or a lifetime over there) to understand how we could possibly be of any durable help in the first place.
Throwing a sack of food out of a plane is not the answer, the impact and eco footprint alone makes it a bit dubious.
“Darwins nightmare” is a no frills doc on the state of affairs in that continent now.

There’s enough to be done locally on a humanistic level in that respect,
but that could sometimes be to confronting or self evident.

Back on topic, I think once we see our parents as persons, it becomes easier to feel what it was about and to move out of that place, we all get to cut the cord sometime, and cherish the effort they made.

]]> By: Sarah http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/comment-page-1/#comment-39668 Sarah Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:33:09 +0000 http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/#comment-39668 Well said Anne, I agree. Many people struggle to forgive their parents mistakes, especially when they realize how those actions impacted them so deeply. As an adult you have to try to understand where they were coming from and forgive, which is made more difficult when you can't talk with your parents about these issues -- it invariably ends in hurt feelings and misunderstanding on their part. I think it can help if you have siblings to talk to about the past. Thanks for this thought provoking article Ella. Well said Anne, I agree. Many people struggle to forgive their parents mistakes, especially when they realize how those actions impacted them so deeply. As an adult you have to try to understand where they were coming from and forgive, which is made more difficult when you can’t talk with your parents about these issues — it invariably ends in hurt feelings and misunderstanding on their part. I think it can help if you have siblings to talk to about the past. Thanks for this thought provoking article Ella.

]]> By: Anne http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/comment-page-1/#comment-38953 Anne Fri, 19 Sep 2008 22:35:48 +0000 http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/#comment-38953 Well, as one of many people in this world who did not have perfect childhoods I found the healing and forgiveness message of your article really thought provoking. Over the years I have also experienced a personal struggle to forgive my parents for certain situations and aspects of my childhood and teenage years. Like yourself that came with realizing that they had their own personal struggles and were not equipped with as you described them, the "tools" necessary, and many problems stemmed from them feeling unprepared and overwhelmed. In many ways my childhood could read as a "what not to do" manual, so knowing my awareness of that is what makes me certain I am not doomed to repeat the same parenting cycle with my own children. Forgiveness does not mean we have to forget, it means we come to the situation with understanding and a measure of acceptance. Well, as one of many people in this world who did not have perfect childhoods I found the healing and forgiveness message of your article really thought provoking.
Over the years I have also experienced a personal struggle to forgive my parents for certain situations and aspects of my childhood and teenage years.
Like yourself that came with realizing that they had their own personal struggles and were not equipped with as you described them, the “tools” necessary, and many problems stemmed from them feeling unprepared and overwhelmed.
In many ways my childhood could read as a “what not to do” manual, so knowing my awareness of that is what makes me certain I am not doomed to repeat the same parenting cycle with my own children.
Forgiveness does not mean we have to forget, it means we come to the situation with understanding and a measure of acceptance.

]]> By: Margherita http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/comment-page-1/#comment-38935 Margherita Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:51:32 +0000 http://www.soulscode.com/guess-what-i-don%e2%80%99t-hate-my-parents-any-more/#comment-38935 I can see that the writer was stung and insightful about her upbringing. Parenting isn't easy. However, I believe even parents learn as they reflect on their mistakes and seem to forgive themselves for the mistakes in how they raised their children. It's only as an adult we can express to our parents when, what, how and why? We can then speak to them objectively and not subjectively (without emotions); reflect and maybe we can get an apology from them. However, forgiveness is the biggest step any body can make on themselves, it causes healing and growth. Forgiveness is love, not only for the parents but to yourself, and that's when you know you are healed and ready to move on. Good for you!! I can see that the writer was stung and insightful about her upbringing. Parenting isn’t easy. However, I believe even parents learn as they reflect on their mistakes and seem to forgive themselves for the mistakes in how they raised their children. It’s only as an adult we can express to our parents when, what, how and why? We can then speak to them objectively and not subjectively (without emotions); reflect and maybe we can get an apology from them. However, forgiveness is the biggest step any body can make on themselves, it causes healing and growth. Forgiveness is love, not only for the parents but to yourself, and that’s when you know you are healed and ready to move on. Good for you!!

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