The unbearable “lateness” of monogamy
Things I have in common with David Letterman: He hosts the “Late Show,” I love late-night TV. Oh, ya . . . and we are equally incapable of leading a monogamous life.
(Cassandra is using a pen name to protect her privacy).
GUEST COLUMN: CASSANDRA KELLY — Sometimes, just for laughs, I like to think up parallels between my life and the lives of the famous.
For instance, I grew up in poverty — hey, so did Gloria Estefan. I’m a pilates nut. Jen Anniston? Check.
And so this is how David Letterman popped into my consciousness. Dave’s recent nuclear megaton bombshell on The Late Show that he had engaged in sexual affairs with various female underlings, and that a CBS producer attempted to shake him down for $2 million dollars, revealed another common touchstone I have with a celeb.
Besides the fact that Dave and I both enjoy the fine art of banter, we have both shared parallel secrets. In public: monogamous. Behind the scenes, not so much . . .
To date, similar to Dave L., I’ve been living a life of non-responsible, non-monogamy (I can sum this up in one phrase: don’t ask, don’t tell)! If I had the guts, I would be living a life of responsible non-monogamy.
Yet it would be a huge gamble to give up the safety-net of a committed relationship and throw myself into a sea of unknown forces. Like many, I’m not brave enough to do that yet.
Is this a problem? Well, it wouldn’t be if I had maintained singleton status throughout my life. But I haven’t.
I’ve had three major long-term relationships, and have cheated (such an ugly, yet accurate, word) on all of my significant others . . . starting with my first boyfriend at age 15.
With Boyfriend 1 (BF1) the double dipping was with his brother — in a horse stable, of all places. Come to think of it, this is probably the genesis of where my leather fetish started 
These activities were just minor “goofing around” really . . . not the full Monty of intercourse. I waited until I arrived at college before I unleashed a full non-monogamous onslaught, but only after BF1 had tried to break up with me a few times, so I guess I felt justified in my actions.
Sort of a ‘you hurt me, I’ll hurt you scenario’. The hilarious part about BF1 was that try as he might, he really wasn’t too successful on the dating scene once he got out there, whereas for me . . .
With my next major relationship, I was monogamous with Boyfriend 2 for a few years, until he told me that HE had been unfaithful. This was incredibly upsetting, and perhaps was what later gave me a sense of carte blanche to start an affair with one of our married friends.
On to Major Relationship # 3, my current and longest-term relationship. Nope, still not monogamous . . . and although we went through some tough periods where I think he might have had an affair, I got over that and moved on. Well, I moved on . . . into the arms of another for two year long, messy affair that ended rather badly. Did I learn my lesson? Time will tell!
So what’s the deal here? Am I some kind of freak of nature? Am I trying to have my cake and eat it too?
Or is the fact that I have tried to fit my personality and taste for variety into a monogamous way of life not realistic for me, and in fact, for many other people? Well, we know it doesn’t work for David Letterman!
Recently I’ve uncovered an idea and a lifestyle called responsible non-monogamy which has opened my eyes to a few home truths.
What I’m currently contemplating is if we, as a society, should use the word “relationship” when trying to define the interactions between husband and wife, girlfriend and boyfriend, girlfriend and girlfriend and boyfriend and boyfriend. As Eckhart Tolle’s companion explains in a piece featured on Souls Code, just using the loaded words “in a relationship” sets up a whole dynamic of unhealthy expectations.
Have you tried a responsible or a non-responsible, non-monogamous lifestyle? Have you tried to interact with partners outside of the definition of “relationships?” Feel free to share your positive and negative experiences via the comments section. I need all the help I can get to get my head around this issue.
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on 12 Aug 2008 at 7:47 am 1.BW said …
Cassandra, it’s very good that you recognize this in yourself, not everyone is built to be faithful to, and share their life with, one person. But you really need to give yourself a shake. If you can’t be faithful, don’t want to be faithful, don’t feel capable of being faithful, then stop lying to the men you choose. And stop picking men who are looking for a long-term, faithful relationship.
How you live your own life is totally up to you. But when you deceive others, you do harm. If you live an honest life, you’ll feel much better. IMHO.
on 12 Aug 2008 at 9:09 am 2.David Rickey said …
Relationships, especially sexual relationships are very complicated and predominantly unconscious. Apart from the personal questions of monogamy - Is it essential?, Is it even possible? - the most important question, I think, is what is this relationship doing. When I give “pre-marital” counseling to couples, I begin by telling them that they are perfectly mismatched. They have unconsciously chosen each other because they know that the other will push their buttons. And the only way we get to examine our buttons is by having them pushed. So the purpose of a relationship is to give ourself the opportunity to examine our own buttons in the presence of another, with the intention of working on our self, growing in conscious awareness. So no matter what is going on in a relationship, the intention to look within makes the relationship valuable. (Obviously there are other benefits. I’m talking from a very particular perspective.)
So rather than judging yourself (or someone else) by the externals of a relationship, the important, and deeply personal question is “What am I doing in this relationship?” Am I working, growing, challenging myself? Or am I simply playing out and repeating unconscious material without doing the work the experience is intended to stimulate. And a healthy relationship can be simply one in which both parties are willing to do that inner work.
Even experiences of “cheating” or “being cheated” can give material for that inner exploration. Remember, we are not simply talking social, tribal, or even moral levels here, but spiritual in which there is always a deeper purpose in what seems to be going on for both people.
on 12 Aug 2008 at 11:06 am 3.BW said …
How important is truth in a relationaship, Father David?
on 12 Aug 2008 at 11:43 am 4.Paul said …
I’ll let the great Jungian academic and researcher, Texas-based James Hollis, speak for me on this one. Here’s an excerpt from his 155-page essay, “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other”:
Just as a tiny square of celluloid can project prehistoric monsters onto a distant screen, so the rush of eros energy can, filtered by the idiosyncratic history of the individual, fill even the heavens with its psychic portrait.
. . . If there is a central law of the psyche, it is that what is unconscious will be projected. This is why Jung observed that ‘when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate.’
All relationships, *all* relationships, begin in projection . . . Only the presence of an invisible complex, like a mine towards which the ship hurries, could account for so much urgent energy.
. . . It is truly frightening to realize how little one is conscious in the formation of intimate relationship, how powerful is our programmed desire for what we have known. What is known is what is sought, even if what is known is wounding.
on 12 Aug 2008 at 1:13 pm 5.David Rickey said …
Truth is highly important. But what truth? Fidelity has great value, but as I tried to describe briefly above, a relationship is not just about being faithful to each other. It is about confronting the deep unconscious issues that we all carry and can usually only see when they start playing out in the relationship. The deepest level of truth that is important is being true to yourself, by that I mean here not lying to yourself but facing yourself. Hopefully if both people are committed to that truth, that work, then they can develop deep truthfulness to each other as the nurture the environment of mutual growth.
I appreciate your thoughts here. But I am trying to look at a deeper aspect of relationships. Ultimately, I would say the primary purpose of relationships isn’t the mutual love of the couple but each of their participation in the evolution of consciousness on the planet. That only happens when we face our inner complexes and unravel them. Too many couples stay together, remain faithful and honest (in an external sense) and never grow. Instead they seem to have a mutual pact never to challenge each other too much to force them to look within.
I am not condoning unfaithfulness, cheating or any such behavior. Rather I am trying to point to the mystery of human relationships that goes much deeper than social, tribal or cultural mores.
on 12 Aug 2008 at 2:22 pm 6.Smadar said …
This is part of my comment that I just wrote under the John Edwards article by David Rickey, and it applies to Cassandra’s dilemma as well . . .
Is it pure naivety when people commit totally to each other in a marriage ceremony? Is it pure blindness that couples still believe in the concept of one lasting love?
Many spiritual scriptures point out that as long as one is relying on the personality, the ego, the small ‘S’ self as the source of attraction in a relationship — the relationship is limited.
In these days a new paradigm is evoloving, and we all are learning how to build ‘relationship’ upon the aspect of ourselves which is infinite, unconditioned — and is love.
The leading social figures of today cannot lead the way; It is up to us. We are the initiator of the new emergent paradigm of relationship — relationship which is based on the big ‘S’ self, and the greater aspect of our being.
on 13 Aug 2008 at 12:02 pm 7.Pamm said …
“Have you tried a responsible or a non-responsible, non-monogamous lifestyle? (Sorry, I know there are a lotta nons here.) Have you tried to interact with partners outside of the definition of “relationships?” ”
Yes I have. I had one episode of drunken “cheating” when I was 20 and decided I didn’t want to do that again. I never told him, we later married and eventually divorced 18 years later.
Since my divorce, I have been polyamorous. About 50% of my close friends are polyamorous or non-monogamous. All of our relationships are based on truth…not because telling a lie is “wrong.” Rather, it’s simply that truth is the only way I can be in integrity with myself. Being in integrity with myself is the way to my inner peace and happiness. Selfish hedonists like me want to be happy, ergo I tell the truth.
The couples I know who practice conscious polyamory are the most highly functioning couples I know. Their level of intimacy far surpasses any I have seen in any monogamous relationship. Why? Because they must constantly tell the truth to themselves and their partners in order to maintain the relationship.
It’s scary…jealousies are huge and wonderful vehicles to find those places of growth:
Will s/he leave me? If so, what does that mean about me if my partner is attracted to another? Am I good enough to still be wanted? What does it mean about my future ability to feel safe enough to open my heart? How will I be able to trust? Can I continue to extend love in the middle of pain? Or do I react and need to make the outer world fit my needs to find inner peace and still love my partner for choosing someone who isn’t me? Can my ego withstand not being the center of his/her world? What happens when I let go of controlling my lover and allow him/her to be all she is?…etc.
Juicy stuff.
…and which are all reflections of spiritual questions we ask ourselves in relation to life and God, yes?
Polyamory is NOT easy. People often point to it being an “out.” That has not been my experience at all. Done consciously, I’ve found it to be one of the most powerful vehicles for growth of the highest order. What better way to play than to put us in the fire? Again…with the qualifiers of consciousness. Because just as any vehicle, non-monogamy of any flavor can also be the supreme vehicle for un- .
Blessings in your choices. My prayer for you is that you live life fully…whatever that means to you as there is no “right and wrong” of it all, just The Dance, all leading to opportunity for opening to our Spirits even more. It feels to me that the answers to your quesions are within the questions and the reflections of your life. Could it be that Life is gifting you with showing you who you are and how you want to be/do it?
on 13 Aug 2008 at 12:10 pm 8.Cyndi said …
wow, pamm what an amazing response! you are one brave and truthful woman!
on 13 Aug 2008 at 12:33 pm 9.David Rickey said …
I agree. Wow, Pamm! To enter into every encounter consciously seeking self-awareness as well as compassion and love of the other person is a wonderful journey. This ought to be the way we relate to everyone we encounter, not just our “amorous” encounters. It could even bring world peace if we only learned how to treat others as “thou” and not “it” (to paraphrase Martin Buber).
on 14 Aug 2008 at 12:57 am 10.Antero said …
Pamm, please write a book — or take over this site!
“It’s scary…jealousies are huge and wonderful vehicles to find those places of growth”
And as you wrote, these plays in form we perform constitute A DANCE.
Now I know why some people shy away from commenting on this site . . . some of the material is so intense. When we read this . . . we go inside
on 14 Aug 2008 at 6:42 am 11.BW said …
Pamm, I really love your comments about truth. I think it’s the 1st order of business - without truth at the core, everything becomes a falsehood.
You go, girl
on 15 Aug 2008 at 4:39 am 12.Cassandra said …
thanks for all of the comments, they have led me to do a lot of reflection in the past few days. i think that i don’t want to get emotionally close to the men in my life (or people in general) and that’s why i always have two “relationships” going at the same time. i can never truly commit to one person this way.
wow, i have a lot of internal work to do. i thank this site for allowing me to get my issues out there and to get feedback that otherwise i don’t know where i would get (for free too
on 16 Aug 2008 at 1:13 am 13.Soul's Code said …
And we are here for You, C
Thank you for your openness and courage and trust.
on 03 Oct 2009 at 11:27 pm 14.Fernando said …
*Where* did you get these photos?
And that picture of Letterman? have never seen that out there, not even in the saturation coverage after the story broke.
on 08 Oct 2009 at 11:00 am 15.Rose said …
Pam, you did a great job introducing Polyamory. The keys are honesty, mutual respect and strong self-confidence. I believe that forced monogamy leads to cheating and/or disengagement. The urge to be sexually intimate with more than one person is natural. Polyamory is an alternative to serial monogamy, reducing or eliminating separation turmoil. True love never dies. Why should the relationship?
There is a wealth of information available on-line to anyone with goggle.
on 12 Oct 2009 at 7:09 am 16.Raghuram Natesan said …
Just when you think you know love, there is more to learn. Love therefore is a desire to complete oneself in several dimensions of our personalities. There are times when it brings out the dark sides, but those are the times that one learns more about oneself and more about love.
My only advice would be for her to evaluate what makes her choose to move outside an existing relationship and see if there are areas of development that will help her get around it.