What do men want, sexually and spiritually speaking? A somatic therapist draws on psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, the Tao Te Ching and personal experience
The first in a two-part series by SMADAR DE LANGE — What is a man’s deepest longing?
Some believe the simplistic psychological answer: men are predisposed to merge with their primal mothers, to feel once again the ultimate fusion and primal dyad of mother and son.
Perhaps, in actuality, this longing is for a space in which they may feel absolute safety, sweetness, and bliss.
Our society’s development has translated that longing into a psychology of needing to merge with a woman, in general — as opposed to the biological mother, in specific. Some interpretations translated that longing into a practice of merging with the ultimate feminine nature.
To heal a wound with love
Many of us have been hurt, abandoned, or abused — we may even carry the wounds around with us. Sometimes an exchange with an “other” is the best way to truly go through the “growth and healing” process.
Being a woman, biologically, does not necessarily connect someone to her femininity. By the same token, a biological male is not incapable of being in touch with his feminine aspect.
But when an intimate relationship creates the exchange, there is a greater possibility for unconscious material to arise in the psychic process. But even this cannot, with certainty, lead to the desired meeting with the “ultimate feminine nature.”
So where does that nature reside? In listening to my girlfriends describe their experiences of delivering a child, I am able to sense one example of this ultimate nature: in their stories, birth is an empowering process. They experience themselves as a woman on an archetypal level and feel themselves as the source of life and death, and to the infinite.
(In the remarkable video below, a young woman travels from Russia to the Mediterranean — and experiences a natural childbirth in the sea.)
And women are not always aware of this magnificent force. As the psychoanalyst, Jacques Lacan, said ‘the woman’ does not need to be aware of her virtue as a ‘portal’ in order to be one.
To make love: a portal to the infinite
Making love can merge the intense experience of masculine and feminine into a vortex of infinite time shared by the couple. The energy flowing, breathing, and intention are feeding the space the couple share, allowing for complete synergy.
The New Age paradigm many times uses the word Tantra as a label to describe such merging. However, that term has greater meaning than what the “California lifestyle” has to offer. The Dalai Lama, for example, is a Tantric monk, regardless of his celibacy.
To be a mother to men
Women often share that they mother men as an aspect of their adult relationship. I remember telling my lover that I feel him “in my womb.” This is another example demonstrating the relationship with the “other.” The space between the two of “us” can embody any manifestation of love.
In the Tao Te Ching, the complexity and simplicity of knowing “the one that cannot be named,” or “the absolute,” is always a feminine quality. In our modern era, Lacan, perceived “the woman” as the portal through which he could experience the “real.”
Smadar is a gifted intuitive and somatic therapist who has 14 years of training in transpersonal psychology and spiritual advancement. She is currently completing her doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology at Santa Barbara’s Pacifica Graduate Institute.