Tag Archives: marriage counseling

Dealing with an angry person: 4 choices

When people lose it, one tactic is the Aikido of Communication

SOUL’S CODE —  Like a scene out of the Michael Douglas movie, Falling Down, a just-divorced aerospace worker in California’s “Inland Empire,” dressed up as a Santa on Christmas Eve 2008 and shot nine people at his in-laws’ holiday party.

The  day after Christmas, 2008 in Philadelphia, 29-year-old James Joseph Cialella Jr. shot a father in a movie theatre after arguing with the latter and his son while watching the Brad Pitt-Cate Blanchett vehicle, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

On July 20, 2012, America had another Columbine-style shooting in Colorado — this time in a multiplex called Cinemark (here is their retrograde stock symbol), and the title of the thriller happened to be “Dark Knight.”

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Why ABC’s “reality show” The Bachelor is so un-real

Why ABC’s “reality show” The Bachelor is so un-real

Dating in America — an analysis of our collective consciousness from a couples counselor

BY DAVID RICKEY — As the 2010 season of The Bachelor nears its March 1 finale, curiosity about what Americans think dating is really about got the best of me. I am a psychotherapist and spiritual teacher, and hardly an avid watcher of Reality TV, so this posed a bit of a challenge.

My personal routine is getting up at about 5 a.m, and meditating. My day is then an exploration. I seek to heal, contemplate texts in preparation for sermons, which are a form of teaching, and generally try to stay aware.

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A Book that Changed Me: How to be an Adult in Relationships

A Book that Changed Me: How to be an Adult in Relationships

David Richo has a simple test for the question, ‘Should you stay or should you go?’ What you should ask, ‘Am I codependent’?

BY ALEX HAISLIP — There’s nothing more debilitating than staying stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. The need to have somebody, anybody — even an other who is just plain wrong for you — is essentially an addiction. David Richo has a prescription for curing that addiction.

His framework:

Here are the words of a codependent: “Because you please me sexually, because we have been together so long, because I don’t know whether I will ever find someone else, I CAN’T LET YOU GO — even though you do not meet me at my soul/adult level.”

Here are the words of an adult: “Even though you please me sexually, even though we have been together so long, even though I don’t know whether I will ever find someone else, I HAVE TO LET YOU GO because you do not meet me at my soul/adult level.”

Call it Richo’s brand of tough-love, or spiritual medicine. His penetrating — indeed, devastating — insights make this book both hard to get through, and hard to put down.

Richo’s work isn’t just for emotional adolescents. The book is a great guide for those who want to deepen and improve even the most enduring and loving relationship.

His five operative words have a distinctly Buddhist ring: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. It’s a recipe is guaranteed to tune-up any relationship, at any stage.

More than anything, the book is a call to conscious action. It implores us to take full responsibility for our own thoughts and emotional states, and rise to the challenge of unconditional love. Rather than just falling in love and losing control, embrace a clarity of will and sense of Self — or as Jung might say, allow God or the Force to love an other through you.

Check it out for yourself: How to be an Adult in Relationships

[Image from FarHorizons.org]

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Books: I Need Your Love — is that True?

Books: I Need Your Love — is that True?

Byron Katie goes all Zen in her second book, I Need Your Love — is that True?, published in 2005. Her approach to relationships is to get the reader to break down the sandcastle of his or her own thoughts. Thoughts are something that you create, not something that make you who you are–or at least that’s Katie’s creed. To end suffering, she invites us to out the highly arbitrary source of negative thoughts. No where is it more essential than between intimate partners.

Katie channels Hamlet with her “It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so” approach to relationships. Think that you need someone? Then you will.

The solution proffered in the book is based on a set of four ego-eviscerating questions, starting with: “Is that thought I have about my relationship actually true?” And then: “Who or what would I be without the thought?” It’s a great technique for un-spooling loops of self-limiting thought patterns. Powerful

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Ask a Guru: You say you’re with an addict?

After hearing my friend K talk about her marriage this week, I had this thought that psychological pain is a master of disguises.

And another thought: Isn’t the path of pain like water damage in a house or apartment? Water can seep into the building from wherever, lurk in the joists and studs for a while – and then blister the basement wall or crater the kitchen ceiling.

This thing we call pain plays with the same energies. It hides out because it’s not wanted. Yet it’s a living thing. It finds a back door. Or broken pipe.

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