What is the difference between sex and intimacy?

“In relationships most people are so afraid that there actually is no relationship.”

BY TONY SAMARA — I have worked in spiritual camps by the beach where everyone is dressed up in lovely Indian flowing clothes — or lack of them — and this has very interesting reactions in the men and women that are there. The whole situation becomes one full of beautiful people walking around and the mind wanders off into imaginary scenarios that have nothing to do with union. It is all coming out of desire.

In our society, sexuality is based on desire. It is a desirable thing to be in a relationship. It is a desirable thing to be in connection with someone who is beautiful and who fulfils emotional parts that make you feel happy, joyful, ecstatic, infatuated or whatever the feeling is at that time.

Union is very different. If we go back and look at a different reference point, at the ancient ways of looking at sexuality, then we can see the very strange reference point that we are creating about sexuality nowadays.

In relationships, most people are so afraid that there actually is no relationship. What they are relating to is very narcissistic because they are only relating to parts of themselves. They never see their partner. There is no sexuality because to be practising sexuality in a complete and truthful way, you need to understand the opposites. You need to be aware that your partner is not just a reflection or a projection of yourself. You need to see your partner as he or she is.

…The energy behind sexuality is the space that you can hold with consciousness, and that of course gets disturbed by desire or by lack of truth. To hold this space in a conscious way means that you really have to be open and intimate. Completely open.

Lifting the veil

…Sexuality is always chaotic because it is a step into the unknown. It is a step into the space where the future is not already understood nor comprehended, and the past has nothing to do with anything that is going on in the present moment. It is a total surrender to the present moment.

On the physical level, the body has to surrender to this present moment. This means that the memories in the body of past pain cannot come and influence this present moment. If the body communicates in a negative way and contracts, “No I don’t go there because I don’t trust,” then that stops the emotional, energetic and mental flow. This is also the case when it comes to emotions. If your emotions say, “No, I can’t go there because I don’t trust you enough, I have to check you out first,” then you end up checking things out for the rest of your life because you are not trusting the moment.

This is what Christian institutions have happily celebrated. People don’t trust the moment and then, just like the American government today, they can control you. They can create reference points that are so alien from what Jesus was speaking about, from what he was trying to understand in union with the people around him, that it carries on the same suffering paradigm that we have been living through for thousands of years. This is why meditation is so important to practice.

This meditation comes from ancient Egypt. I call it a meditation, but some people would simply say an exercise in awareness, which for me is the same thing. It comes from the time where there was a group of people that some people called secret. I don’t actually believe they were secret. They wanted to share their knowledge but most people just didn’t understand what they were sharing. These people shared this meditation and asked the people who really wanted to understand sexuality to put this meditation into practice to bring light – internal light – outwards, so that it is reflecting everything inside of yourself, of your body, of your physical cells, of your energy and of your emotions to the external world. That light is totally different from control. It is totally different from what results from control, which is this sense of low self-esteem.

Intimate rewards

…Deep sexuality is sharing from the most intimate space. This is when you have sexuality that I believe is worth practising. I usually say that sexuality is a waste of time, and it is a waste of time. It is interesting, but in the end it is a waste a time unless it carries something more with it.

If you look a little bit deeper into the parables of what was being communicated by Jesus and by some of his disciples, you will see that a lot of what was said is that we are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to sit on a mountain and meditate in a cave, alone, somewhere separate from the intimacy of being real. We are meant to be as real as is humanly possible and this is made possible by being in relationship with someone.

In a relationship there is no hiding from the space that your partner reflects back to you, especially if you both create a strong intention to be conscious in the relationship. When you do that, even if you take a few wrong steps, that consciousness leads you back to this meditation and to this space where the heart becomes so open that there is no place to hide. What you see is your own truth, the truth that is reflected in that beautiful moment of sharing by being totally intimate, by totally being who you are.

After living for several years in a Zen Buddhist monastery, Tony Samara ventured to the jungles of South America – to the Amazon and to the Andes – where he lived and studied among a community of Shamans. After many years he was initiated in the sacred healing ways of these ancient peoples, and left South America to teach and share this deep wisdom with the world. Tony Samara is now visited by people from all parts of the world and from all walks of life, seeking spiritual guidance or simply the experience of being in his presence.

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3 Responses to “What is the difference between sex and intimacy?”

  1. This interesting article sadly, was knocked off track by a jarring sentance that could easily been left out.

    “People don’t trust the moment and then, just like the American government today, they can control you.”

    Why does a political agenda even need to be showcased in an article on human sexuality? If he had to mention government control – if at all – why not just say “People don’t trust the moment and then, just like governments through history, they can control you.”

  2. Carlos Gutierrez Reply 22. Dec, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    I would like to add a little bit more information about SEX (sexual energy exchange) from my forthcoming book “Turning Your Love Inside Out” in 2011.

    Most relationships in our world about 85% are dysfunctional because we do not know what love really is, or we do not know who we really are. In addition, we do not know how the mind, soul, body, life, and emotions work, and when there is jealousy, need, and expectations we will ruin our relationships.

    Sex is love expressed and the more you get to know yourself in knowing who you really are the more you are going to love yourself and the more you can love another unconditionally, then you will have the grandest experience of life (cosmic orgasms-unity with the self).

  3. Consider Tantra as a way to embrace your real sexuality. Tantra is a beautiful philosophy that merges sexuality with spirituality…that one can realize higher levels of consciousness through one’s sexuality. I am a Tantra student and will also begin my training as a Tantra coach in 2011. It’s a truly magnificent means of spiritual awakening. If you are interested, visit my Tantra instructors’ website at http://www.tantraheart.com.