Where is my would-be baby’s soul?
by: Paul Kaihla, 
17. Mar, 2010 
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Having an abortion is never an easy decision to make: Here's what I did, and why
BY DIANA — (the writer is using a pen name to protect her privacy) — Twenty years ago I had an abortion, and while not regretting my decision or thinking about it overly much, once in a while I wonder what happened to the soul that was never allowed to be.
To be clear, I am totally pro-choice; I used to volunteer at an abortion clinic, ushering women inside, past a gauntlet of gory anti-choice placards and hatred spewing zealots.
Yet when I became pregnant and decided not to go through with the pregnancy, I didn’t go to a clinic, but to a hospital where I was totally unconscious during the procedure.
All my actions were cloaked in secrecy, even the friend who collected me from the hospital afterwards didn’t know the truth about why I was there. I told no one about my decision to terminate: not friends, family, or the father of the potential baby.
It probably would have been better if I had someone that I could have confided in, but I have a hard time trusting people (even now) so there was no one that I thought I could open up to.
The father was another issue, because at the time I had two lovers and wasn’t sure who the father was. This scenario might make a good storyline in Mamma Mia, but in real life . . . not so amusing.
If I had known for sure who the father was, would it have made a difference in my decision? I don’t think so, since I wasn’t “in love” with either man, and even when I was pregnant, I didn’t feel any maternal feelings (at least that I recognized at the time).
As the years flowed by I would sometimes think, ‘Oh, she’d be ___ years old now.’ Always thinking the baby would be a she, for some reason. I didn’t think about it constantly, but every so many years, I’d do a mental time check.
Years later a lover confided that his ex-girlfriend had an abortion the same year as I had. We used to fantasize that the two babies’ souls might have found each other in heaven.
As someone who picks up insects that make their way into my house, and who deposits them outside rather than squishing, it’s strange that I would end my potential baby’s life without agonizing over my decision. It seemed very clear to me from the beginning what I had to do.
I had a repressed upbringing, so I think at the time I thought that this pregnancy would bring shame to myself and my family. It’s more common now for young girls to keep their babies; the stigma of being an “unwed mother” has definitely lifted, which is wonderful.
In my family sex was never spoken about, and in fact, my father would asked me to leave the room if something the least bit salacious came on the TV while we were watching it together. This is not to make excuses for terminating . . . If I had really wanted a child, I’m sure that nothing would have stood in my way. Surely not the fact that I had . . . *gasp* . . . sex to create one.
But the question remains, if everything that lives has a soul, which I’m inclined to believe, where does my would-be baby’s soul reside? Perhaps only in my memory, and on this page.
Diana has a degree in political science from an Ivy League university.
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My son or daughter would be 22 years old now. Perhaps I am a fool, but I believe that the souls of children who are not born came to us for a purpose and they return to the light they came from to return again in their next incarnation. I don't believe any soul is forfeited.
Thank you for sharing an incredibly personal time in your path and for writing about it with dignity and humility.
This is a very, very rich experience.
And millions have gone through this experience.
But few have told it with such a grounded honesty, and so many facets of being.
This could be a book, and we thank you for your trust in our community.
thanks so much for sharing your story with us. life is full of hard decisions and the one you made is one of the most difficult that a woman can make.
There must be a time when the soul attaches itself to the foetus by the silver cord. What if this did not take place until the fourth month of pregnancy when the baby seems to take on a life of its own? Its something I often wonder about. Bonnie May
The fundamental spiritual truth is that there is a wisdom deeper than all our actions and choices. The human "task" is to tune in to and trust that wisdom. When we make a choice consciously, as you did here, it is acknowledging and trusting the deeper wisdom. Caroline Myss suggests that an abortion is a shared decision between the mother and the soul who is incarnating that this is not the time for that incarnation. In light of that, our task is to honor the soul's wisdom. And rest in that wisdom ourself. By remembering "birthdays" you are honoring the potential of that incarnation. I believe, in answer to the question "where does that soul reside now?" that that soul has probably incarnated in another body and is doing fine on its human journey. She found a better time and place. And you both are living through your human journeys towards greater consciousness.
My daughter would have been 30 years old had I kept her. The decision I made was because of my mother. She being ProChoice even back then. She knew I wasn't ready to be a mom, but worse she wasn't ready to be a grandmother. To this day she tells me, she is too young to have a daughter my age. She forgot her name and her age when I announced she became a great grandmother almost 3 years ago. I have no regrets about not keeping my first, I believe she came back to me as my granddaughter.
This is a good article, and subject to talk about. I like Caroyln Myss's idea on this subject.
I know i have felt a lot of grief and guilt at times, and have prayed many times about this, and at one point felt the peace of God's understanding that yes the soul has gone on to another life.
Perhaps this helps to see this writing, and I can release this once and for all, as I have felt a grief and guilt I never talk about. Well I have spoke to my counselor about the issue, but i must feel God understands, and truly the soul is alive and well. I am so grateful for my son that is now 26, and look forward to being a grandmother some day! I am a good person, and release this guilt and grief. I pray all children have all their needs attended too. Thank you for the article. Blessings to all~