Ask a Guru: You say you’re with an addict?

drug_addictAfter hearing my friend K talk about her marriage this week, I had this thought that psychological pain is a master of disguises.

And another thought: Isn’t the path of pain like water damage in a house or apartment? Water can seep into the building from wherever, lurk in the joists and studs for a while – and then blister the basement wall or crater the kitchen ceiling.

This thing we call pain plays with the same energies. It hides out because it’s not wanted. Yet it’s a living thing. It finds a back door. Or broken pipe.

K, who should be nominated for sainthood, was sitting beside a folder at her desk with a restraining order against her husband. He’s been blowing up in anger, and had threatened her. But K didn’t want to take action against him. Her family wants her to. She’s the breadwinner, he’s down on himself. He was abusing a hard drug, and now K says he’s abusing alcohol. She had filed for divorce earlier this year, and then reconciled. She’s attached to him. She asked me what she should do?

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One Response to “Ask a Guru: You say you’re with an addict?”

  1. It’s worth separating pain from suffering. Pain is a physical element that can be realized and compartmentalized. Suffering is much tougher. The mind can run from the body, but escaping the echoes of suffering is much harder.

    The old adage that misery loves company is trite because it is true. Those who suffer will seek companions who can fuel their anxiety and reverberate their suffering. It’s a self-indulgence that comes from the over-hungry ego.

    It sounds like your friend K is a willing accomplice in this echo-chamber. She may feel that she’s helping the person she loves by being there for him. But she is indulging her own ego in doing so. She is there because it makes HER feel good. She’s a savior in her mind. It’s a flattering thought. That flattery is an addiction in and of itself.

    K should clear her head before making a decision. She needs to ask herself what she’s getting from this relationship. Is her husband supporting her personal growth? Is he facilitating her journey or hamstringing her? Why has she stayed with him this long? What role does he play in her mind?