BY CASSANDRA KELLY — Sometimes, to amuse myself, I think about the parallels between my life and the lives of those that our society has deemed “famous” or “stars.” For instance, I grew up in poverty — so did Gloria Estefan.  I’m a pilates lover and so is Jen Anniston.

And so this is how Arnold surfaced into my consciousness.  His recent declaration of infidelity, which produced a child with his ex-housekeeper, blew peoples’ minds — except for those who believe everything they read in the National Enquirer and an explosive expose in the L.A Times detailing a history of sexual harassment that Schwarzenegger’s proxies attacked in the final days of his election to become California’s governor.

It seems that Arnold and I both shared parallel secrets. In public: monogamous. Behind the scenes, not so much

To date, similar to Arnold, I’ve been living a life of non-responsible, non-monogamy (the old “don’t ask, don’t tell” routine which so many people embrace).  However, if I had the guts, I would probably be living a life of responsible non-monogamy.

Yet it would be a huge gamble to give up the safety-net of a committed relationship and throw myself into a sea of unknown forces. Like many, I’m not brave enough to do that.

Is this a problem? Well, it wouldn’t be if I had maintained singleton status throughout my life.  But I haven’t.

I’ve had three major long-term relationships, and have cheated (such an ugly, yet accurate, word) on all of my significant others . . . starting with my first boyfriend at age 15.

The history of my discontent

With Boyfriend 1 (BF1) the infidelity was with his cousin— in a horse stable, of all places.  Come to think of it, this is probably the genesis of where my leather fetish started

These activities were just minor “fooling around” really . . . not the full Monty of intercourse.  I waited until I arrived at college before I unleashed a full non-monogamous onslaught, but only after BF1 had tried to break up with me a few times, so I guess I felt justified in my actions.

Sort of a ‘you hurt me, I’ll hurt you scenario’.

With my next major relationship, I was monogamous with Boyfriend 2 for a few years, until he told me that HE had been unfaithful. This was incredibly upsetting, and perhaps was what later gave me a sense of carte blanche to start an affair with one of our married friends.

On to Major Relationship # 3, my current and longest-term relationship. Nope, still not monogamous . . . and although we went through some tough periods where I thought he might have had an affair, I got over that and moved on. Well, I moved on . . . into the arms of another person for two year long, messy affair that ended badly.  Did I learn my lesson?  Time will tell!

So what’s the deal here? Am I some kind of freak of nature? Am I trying to have my cake and eat it too, like our friend Arnold?

Or is the fact that I have tried to fit my personality and taste for variety into a monogamous way of life not realistic for me, and in fact, for many other people?

Let’s talk about. . . responsible non-monogamy

Recently I’ve uncovered an idea and a lifestyle called responsible non-monogamy which has opened my eyes to a few home truths.

What I’m currently contemplating is if we, as a society, should use the word “relationship” when trying to define the interactions between husband and wife, girlfriend and boyfriend, girlfriend and girlfriend and boyfriend and boyfriend. As Eckhart Tolle’s companion explains in a piece featured on Souls Code, just using the loaded words “in a relationship” sets up a whole dynamic of unhealthy expectations.

Have you tried a responsible or a non-responsible, non-monogamous lifestyle?  Have you tried to interact with partners outside of the definition of “relationships?” Feel free to share your positive and negative experiences via the comments section.

BY MICAL AKULLIAN — I was blessed with a father who taught me that a man is what you make him.

My father was the kind of guy who cried when he was in pain, spoke out when he was feeling sad or angry, danced like a pink flamingo in a room full of metaphorical seagulls, and loved unabashedly all those things which moved his heart.

For my father, answering the call of what people in spiritual circles call ‘the divine feminine’ took all his courage — and rendered making meaningful friendships with other Baby Boomer men in the suburbs of central California distinctly difficult.  He found himself searching for water in a parched desert, and while his life was cut too short (he died before his time at 45), he passed a proverbial torch to me.

Having a role model who embodied a balance of masculine and feminine made me aware of how much healing needs to take place within the culture of men.

Our hearts are literally locked up, which is an emotional metaphor for a medical reality: In America, more men die every day of cardiac failure than gunshot wounds, cancer or car accidents.

Men have been painfully unraveling at the seams, fighting and kicking every step of the way.

Yet many men are, in fact, emotional, sensitive, intuitive, and loving creatures — more similar to our female counterparts then we ever wanted to admit.

Well isn’t one of man’s most secret pleasures the art of living vicariously through the feminine energy in the women we love?  And as long as we can maintain our manly façades, there’s no reason to actually indulge in our feminine expression, right?

Just be cool men.

Women are now our greatest teachers.

READ THE SOUL’S CODE SLIDESHOW: THE NEW FEMALE MYSTICS

They know the growing pains of breaking through cultural barriers that once restricted the flow and balance of their own masculine and feminine energies.

But while there are many subcultures of men creating, and spiritually expanding, where is our Men’s Liberation?

Let’s not allow another day pass where we choose silence over expression, stoic diffidence over tenderness, pride over humility and rigidity over fluidity.

Instead, let’s take every opportunity to let our guards down.

Let ourselves investigate the beauty within, and allow for the flow of the divine feminine to emerge.  Explore expressing oneself in new ways, with more flexibility, openness, and empathy.  It will feel damn good, so good it might even bring tears of joy to one’s eyes.

If you are already one of those men who spends their days ecstatically dancing, emoting, keyed into your feminine intuition, take it upon yourself to befriend one of those starving creatures still locked in outdated cultural tendencies.  The confusion and fear can be excruciating — and a friendly face, or an outstretched hand, like an oasis in the desert.

Mical Akullian is a holistic counselor in San Francisco who received his Master’s degree from San Francisco State University.

He recently returned to the city after living for a year in a spiritual commune in northern California.

His first column for Soul’s Code was, “When Meditation is a Pain”

BY DAVID RICKEY – In Woody Allen’s latest film of dysfunction, You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger, Gemma Jones’ character says, “My husband walked out on me for one simple reason. I was too honest with him. I refused to allow him to delude himself.”

Truth, lies, seeing, blindfolding . . . having too much of one, and too little of the other, can tip the scales in a relationship, destroying trust.

Trust is really a question of energy flow.

When I truly love you, my energy flows positively out toward you. When I trust you, I believe that your energy will flow positively toward me.

Mutual trust is an expectation of balanced energy flow. The energy I put out toward you will balance the energy that flows from you to me. In this equation, a decline in trust indicates a perception that I am not getting back a balance of what I am putting out.

In the case of infidelity, your energy flows to someone (or something) other than me.

Lying sets up the expectation that I can’t be sure that your energy will flow positively toward me when I need it. Insecurity means that I am afraid you will withdraw energy from me if you learn certain things about me.

Rebuilding trust, then, comes down to rebalancing the flow of energy. There are several ways to do this.

A return to innocence

If you and I are struggling because I have been unfaithful, obviously the first thing I must do is stop the acts of infidelity.

The next step is to over-balance the equation in the opposite direction. I must work hard to make sure that you have an intense experience of my positive energy over a long period of time.

This has to be believable, not showy, so that you experience my energy in small ways over time, in addition to big ways that are special. Rebuilding trust is not so much about winning you over as demonstrating a deeper shift in intention and desire.

When the “infidelity” is really about something instead of someone – for example, when Sunday afternoon football or work becomes a kind of addiction – I need to explore my values or, more difficult, my reasons for avoiding intimacy.

The high I get from work, or the thrill of the game, may be an indication of deeper underlying issues with low self-esteem, which can impair my ability to be close to you.

Lying is actually most difficult to deal with, simply because it involves something more intangible.

Truth versus falsehood is one form of lying, but withholding information is another.

You could always be telling me the truth, but you might not be telling me the whole truth. The corrective here is prolonged sharing of truths.

Knowing me, knowing you

In Marc Gafni’s book Soul Print he talks about a time in courting when couples start sharing secrets, things they have done in the past. The underlying question is, “Will you still love me if you know this about me?”

This too addresses an issue of insecurity. I don’t know you well enough yet to know how deep your love for me runs. Sharing secrets is a testing ground for finding out.

We all have things in our past that we are ashamed of. Often that shame is way out of proportion, having built up over a long period of secrecy.

Sharing these secrets can heal the shame and increase the level of love and trust. Building trust here involves long and focused sharing of revealing stories.

The intention is: “I really want to know you and really want to accept your history so we can build a trusting history together.”

Listening to the “what” and “why” of each other’s past – and not interrupting except to ask for clarification – demonstrates the intention of acceptance and gives the experience of trust.

Telling demonstrates the intention of being fully truthful by risking an increase in trust in the other with the hope of building their trust in me.

For this important interaction I recommend sitting on a couch (or if comfortable, on the floor or bed), facing each other so you can look each other in the eyes. This allows not only the words but also the visual cues of pain, sincerity of intent, and depth of understanding and acceptance, to register.

Above all else, we want to be fully known and accepted.

I believe there is no better foundation for true love than the experience of being fully known. It is significant that the biblical term for having sex is “to know,” but it is more significant that we have more trouble looking each other in the eye than having sex together.

This knowing is ultimately the basis of trust.

As was said in The King and I, “Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me.” Trust comes down to knowing and being known.

David Rickey is an Episcopal priest, Soul’s Code co-founder and counselor in San Francisco who does a weekly ministry at a residence for the elderly in northern California. Follow David on Twitter.

BY MICHELLE MORRA-CARLISLE — I am not tough. If a gang of men with sticks repeatedly pelted me with a rock-hard projectile you might find me on the ground in the fetal position, pleading with them to stop.

What I actually mean by that is that, unlike Sarah Palin, I am a real hockey mom. I live in Canada. And when I first saw my husband play goal and assume the iconic, fearless “bring it on” stance, I was in awe. As well-rounded as I consider myself to be, in that moment I saw that in my non-athletic development I had missed out on something important.

The fittest of the fit are sublimely aware that for the mind to be in optimal shape, so must the body, and vice versa. Our souls, too, are connected to flesh-and-blood bodies, which is why the Dalai Lama follows his morning yoga routine with a jog on the treadmill and why many Olympic athletes meditate.

Does a sluggish body yield a sluggish spirit? Does strength of body create strength of spirit? I suspect enlightenment does not happen when you’re going brain-dead on the couch watching any of the Real Housewives. Being both out of shape and enlightened seems possible for Buddha but, for most of us, scientists have established strong links between a sedentary lifestyle, obesity and depression.

Higher heart rate, higher plane

In yoga we learn to slow everything down and, eventually, reach a more peaceful and finely attuned state. If paying attention to our breathing is grounding, what about the physically purging experience of breathing to the max? Exercise can push a lazy heart back into some healthy exertion and pump much-needed oxygen through the blood. So it stands to reason that physical exhaustion from activities such as mountain biking, salsa dancing and rowing can transport us in spiritual ways—think breathless, sweaty sex (NOTE: Though vigorous exercise can be almost orgasmic, I’m not knocking the deeper, more yoga-like effects of the slow, patient approach).

Studies show that exercise can be as effective as certain prescription antidepressants. It improves the short-term memory of people with schizophrenia. It helps for various forms of depression, anxiety, seasonal affective disorder and, unlike medication, starts to work right away. Vigorous exercise offers an immediate mood boost and is often followed by longer-term relief in the form of an altogether brighter outlook on life.

Why aren’t we all doing it? Perhaps because it’s not always easy to convince Zerona-converts that running a marathon is more rapturous than lying on a fat-melting machine (who ever heard of a zerona high?). Or because it’s easier to watch someone claim to have an epiphany on Oprah than to work toward one’s own epiphany.

For a workout to be spiritual, the mind must be committed and willing. I’ve seen reality shows that feature recovering couch potatoes jogging on treadmills, bitching the whole time, with the sole purpose of shedding pounds. That’s like grunting and cursing at the vacuum cleaner while doing housework. Where’s the love? Workouts we love and take pride in work best.

Finding the perfect exercise match

My inexperience with team sports doesn’t mean I don’t work out. Over the years I have dabbled in aerobics, aquafit and lots of hiking and cross-country skiing. The pinnacle came during my brief, two-year stint as a runner. I went from being unable to run for five minutes to running for an hour (about 10-12k) and, yes, it was every bit as empowering, liberating, toning, and mood-boosting as people say.  Unfortunately, as a runner I was forever at the chiropractor’s for a wonky lower back, pelvis and hip. So I no longer run. And I currently live in a city where I am uninspired by the scenery, and where there are no woods or snow in sight to hike or ski. Almost daily I walk the dog and spend 30 minutes on a treadmill or stationary bike at the gym, but these workouts are rarely “spiritual” unless an enlightening song pops up on my iPod.

As you try new ways to get breathless, keep the following in mind:

10 Things that Make a Workout Spiritual

1.  Safe and healthy — Unlike bear-wrestling at a stampede, which burns calories but can get you eaten.

2.  Clears the mind — It’s hard to focus on problems of any kind when you’re consumed with catching your breath.

3.  Promotes a sense of achievement — Initial aches and pains aside, just doing it makes other things seem possible.

4.  Cheers you up — If the darkness doesn’t lift, try another form of exercise. It really should eventually lift.

5. Connection with nature — Besides the obvious connection with our own bodies, exercising near or in water, in the woods or on a mountain can be downright epiphanic.

6.  Connection with other people — If you’re inclined to exercise in a group.

7.  Connection with self — If you prefer a solitary workout.

8.  Creates emotional balance — With a regular and enjoyable fitness routine, extreme highs and lows are tempered.

9.  Makes you feel stronger physically — A strong body is an ideal host for the soul.

10. Makes you feel stronger spiritually — Like you can tackle and conquer anything.

BY TONY SAMARA — I have worked in spiritual camps by the beach where everyone is dressed up in lovely Indian flowing clothes — or lack of them — and this has very interesting reactions in the men and women that are there. The whole situation becomes one full of beautiful people walking around and the mind wanders off into imaginary scenarios that have nothing to do with union. It is all coming out of desire.

In our society, sexuality is based on desire. It is a desirable thing to be in a relationship. It is a desirable thing to be in connection with someone who is beautiful and who fulfils emotional parts that make you feel happy, joyful, ecstatic, infatuated or whatever the feeling is at that time.

Union is very different. If we go back and look at a different reference point, at the ancient ways of looking at sexuality, then we can see the very strange reference point that we are creating about sexuality nowadays.

In relationships, most people are so afraid that there actually is no relationship. What they are relating to is very narcissistic because they are only relating to parts of themselves. They never see their partner. There is no sexuality because to be practising sexuality in a complete and truthful way, you need to understand the opposites. You need to be aware that your partner is not just a reflection or a projection of yourself. You need to see your partner as he or she is.

…The energy behind sexuality is the space that you can hold with consciousness, and that of course gets disturbed by desire or by lack of truth. To hold this space in a conscious way means that you really have to be open and intimate. Completely open.

Lifting the veil

…Sexuality is always chaotic because it is a step into the unknown. It is a step into the space where the future is not already understood nor comprehended, and the past has nothing to do with anything that is going on in the present moment. It is a total surrender to the present moment.

On the physical level, the body has to surrender to this present moment. This means that the memories in the body of past pain cannot come and influence this present moment. If the body communicates in a negative way and contracts, “No I don’t go there because I don’t trust,” then that stops the emotional, energetic and mental flow. This is also the case when it comes to emotions. If your emotions say, “No, I can’t go there because I don’t trust you enough, I have to check you out first,” then you end up checking things out for the rest of your life because you are not trusting the moment.

This is what Christian institutions have happily celebrated. People don’t trust the moment and then, just like the American government today, they can control you. They can create reference points that are so alien from what Jesus was speaking about, from what he was trying to understand in union with the people around him, that it carries on the same suffering paradigm that we have been living through for thousands of years. This is why meditation is so important to practice.

This meditation comes from ancient Egypt. I call it a meditation, but some people would simply say an exercise in awareness, which for me is the same thing. It comes from the time where there was a group of people that some people called secret. I don’t actually believe they were secret. They wanted to share their knowledge but most people just didn’t understand what they were sharing. These people shared this meditation and asked the people who really wanted to understand sexuality to put this meditation into practice to bring light – internal light – outwards, so that it is reflecting everything inside of yourself, of your body, of your physical cells, of your energy and of your emotions to the external world. That light is totally different from control. It is totally different from what results from control, which is this sense of low self-esteem.

Intimate rewards

…Deep sexuality is sharing from the most intimate space. This is when you have sexuality that I believe is worth practising. I usually say that sexuality is a waste of time, and it is a waste of time. It is interesting, but in the end it is a waste a time unless it carries something more with it.

If you look a little bit deeper into the parables of what was being communicated by Jesus and by some of his disciples, you will see that a lot of what was said is that we are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to sit on a mountain and meditate in a cave, alone, somewhere separate from the intimacy of being real. We are meant to be as real as is humanly possible and this is made possible by being in relationship with someone.

In a relationship there is no hiding from the space that your partner reflects back to you, especially if you both create a strong intention to be conscious in the relationship. When you do that, even if you take a few wrong steps, that consciousness leads you back to this meditation and to this space where the heart becomes so open that there is no place to hide. What you see is your own truth, the truth that is reflected in that beautiful moment of sharing by being totally intimate, by totally being who you are.

After living for several years in a Zen Buddhist monastery, Tony Samara ventured to the jungles of South America – to the Amazon and to the Andes – where he lived and studied among a community of Shamans. After many years he was initiated in the sacred healing ways of these ancient peoples, and left South America to teach and share this deep wisdom with the world. Tony Samara is now visited by people from all parts of the world and from all walks of life, seeking spiritual guidance or simply the experience of being in his presence.