7 steps to heal your emotional wounds

All of our life experiences — even the “bad” ones — are equal in value. How to expand from “contractions” like loss, hurt and other wounds

happywoman1GUEST COLUMN: PHYLLIS KING We are always eager to get on with it to leave the past behind and to feel the “good” stuff. I understand this so well. I too have lived this pattern. This idea may be even more pronounced when we have had experiences that have drained our life-force energy.

We can’t imagine waiting even one more minute to feel better. We may say, “Haven’t I paid my dues yet?” and “Does this abundant thinking crap really work?”

I have witnessed, in my clients’ lives and my own life, how our dedication to higher consciousness can also be a mask for our pain. We believe we are living with right thinking and perspective when we are happy and when things are going well. We forget that the natural course of expansion includes contraction.

Expansion is a process

When we begin to expand, we start to allow all parts of our self to emerge. Situations begin to arise that shine a light on that which is not yet healed or evolved. If we judge our experiences as good and bad, we will question rather than trust the process. Or, better said, our ego mind will do its best to re-take control of our thought patterns.

How do we recognize when this has happened? We begin to feel powerless. We return to worry, or we get mad. Then we give up. We go unconscious. We point fingers away from the reason we don’t feel good anymore. It’s not our unhealed wounds, it’s something else. Something that’s going on in our outer life.

Bring attention, with love, to the process

clintWe want to ignore our wounds when they show themselves. They’re not pretty. They are no fun. They are not higher consciousness. We can’t waste time dwelling on the past. We lived it, why do we have to look back at it? The reason we need to look at it is because without giving attention to past injuries and recognizing the effect they have on our lives, we single-handedly empower the past, or limited patterns, to remain a driving force in our lives.

The process of enlightenment requires that we accept and love all parts of our experiences and recognize the value they offer. All of this is so we may move toward embracing the whole of self. That means moving away from judgment about good or bad experiences. It means we have to move away from the mindset that says feeling good, and being happy are the only experiences worth having.

All experiences have value. I certainly prefer happy to sad, that is a human reality. The spiritual reality is that all experiences are equal in value. There is no good, or bad.

Expansion means embracing the whole

The process of expansion is more than just getting stuff. It’s more than having our relationships work out. It’s more than connecting with your life purpose. It’s about embracing the wholeness of who we are. It’s about allowing the awareness of wholeness into our consciousness. Ego tells us we are not whole. We are deficient. That is the opposite of who we are. We experience limitations in the physical body because it is the best way to learn where limitations exist in our consciousness.

If we are not healed, our contributions, our interactions, and even our outcomes are filtered through our wounds. Those wounds will continue to be presented to us until we resolve them. This is an act of higher consciousness meeting our needs at the deepest levels. This is the road to enlightenment.

Our “teachers” know how to push our buttons

teacherHow do we recognize our wounds? Most often we recognize them through our teachers.

Who are our teachers? Our spouses who infuriate us, or don’t meet our needs. Our boss or co-worker who demeans or controls us in various ways. Our children who do the opposite of what we would like them to do. Our friends who disappoint us. These people and situations represent the vehicle for your learning —your teachers.

When you find yourself feeling angry, worried, or certain you would be just fine “if only” someone or something outside of yourself would shift — that is your teacher. That is what you need to look at it inside of yourself. If we did not have a wound, we would not be reacting to the external stimulus.

Nothing outside of us will ever cause us to feel complete, or incomplete. Unless we consent, or are motivated by our wounds, nothing outside of you can shake your center. If your center is unstable, you will react from a place that says “it’s your fault” and “if only. . .”

Follow these seven suggestions to heal your wounds

1. When faced with inner conflict, start by finding your neutrality. Remember all experiences are equal in higher consciousness. Source is meeting your needs, based upon your contributions to energy. You have told Source energetically you want to heal something, and an opportunity has presented itself to you.

2. Love yourself for your vulnerability and humanness. Take time to acknowledge your injury and to source its origins. Don’t rush to move away from the uncomfortable feelings. Allow your insight about this wound to rise to your awareness. Give yourself space to feel.

learn-to-love-yourself3. Reach for gratitude. Find your humility, and be appreciative for the awareness that you bring into your space. Give thanks for this opportunity. Feed the powerlessness with love and acceptance, either through ritual or some other means of self support.

4. Be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself for being wounded. This is a process, not a race. Many of us have layers to uncover to heal the wounds in our space. We can only do as much as we can do. That is enough. There is no timeline you need to meet for anything in your life. Source will always deliver what you need to you.

5. Do not make the mistake of forgetting where your life comes from, the origin of your wealth. The origin of your health. The origin of all the love in your life. Regardless of the vehicle, i.e. job, spouse, family, your needs are being met through your relationship with Source. It is your relationship with Source that determines your abundance.

6. Acknowledge the one-ness of consciousness. There is no us, no them, only the one. Allow the feeling of connection to life to bathe over you. You are one wave in the ocean of life. We are all connected. Everything we do affects everything else. See the God consciousness in you. Recognize that as you heal yourself, you heal the whole. You are mighty and powerful just for being you.

7. Take time to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. This is how you stay connected. It is how you cope with the awareness of your wounds when you see them. It is one big piece in how you gain awareness of your innate wholeness. Finally, ask for insight on how to stay connected to Source. Guess what — you will receive it.

phyllis3Phyllis King is a psychic, author and spiritual teacher.  Her previous articles for Soul’s Code include: A 2010 detox for your psyche and Can inconvenience be a motivator?

Listen to Phyllis on L.A’s KTLK-AM 1150 every Sunday from 12:00 pm. - 1:00 pm. PST.

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8 Responses to “7 steps to heal your emotional wounds”

  1. This is great advice about how to attune and stay present no matter what arises in your life. I agree that when we judge ourselves and label our experience as good or bad we lose the opportunity to really heal and learn from our experiences. For me, learning how to be present through the practice of Mindfulness and Yoga has transformed the way I see myself, others and the world. It is the practice of becoming aware, allowing myself to be present with whatever arises with a kind and compassionate attention and accepting what is that has allowed me to expand my world to include everyone.

  2. Well put Phyllis! Here’s my favorite paragraphs

    ‘Who are our teachers? Our spouses who infuriate us, or don’t meet our needs. Our boss or co-worker who demeans or controls us in various ways. Our children who do the opposite of what we would like them to do. Our friends who disappoint us. These people and situations represent the vehicle for your learning. . .your teachers.

    When you find yourself feeling angry, worried, or certain you would be just fine “if only” someone or something outside of yourself would shift — that is your teacher. That is what you need to look at it inside of yourself. If we did not have a wound, we would not be reacting to the external stimulus.’

    I see you are speaking of ‘Shadow’ here, the aspects of ourselves we have repressed or denied. Do you know that advanced studies on shadow have revealed that 9 of 10 emotional responses we have to external stimuli are a reflection of our own shadow. So, when emotions arise, the key to healing, as well as the suggestions offered above is to literally ‘own’ those arise emotions as mine. A very simple routine, after you have identified the particular emotion(s) is to say to yourself ‘This _________ is mine’. The Freudian Ego (of which shadow is an integral aspect) is a ‘self-righting entity’ and by feeding it the correct information such as, ‘this _________ is mine’, healing will occur.

    With warmest regards,

    Mick Quinn
    Irish-born author of
    The Uncommon Path – #1 Amazon Bestseller
    2009 WINNER – National Best Books Award – Spirituality

  3. oK, so our greatest teachers are those that push the unhealed buttons. But what happens when the person did, and said actions that were not loving, but indeed against you? Well I can accept theira perception was not correct, yet can you Trust them when they have not ackowledged, or admit they did do damage,and are sorry for that? It’s my own Mother, and regardless how I try to heal and forgive, well I don’t trust her, than I feel guilty for not trusting her, and I don’t like being in relationship with her much, as it effects my own confidence, and still makes me angry the way she has treated me, and created a lot of division with my sibblings? I feel like i wish her well, yet I feel like letting go completly, and having no contact with many family members because of it? I have spoke to counslors about it, and they said, Trust that part of yourself, and keep the distance, don’t give her the power, and yes she has been abusive..Fact, but no law protected me than, and she keeps telling me I am wrong for the way I feel, and think. But other times acts nice?? I love her, yet don’t like her sometimes, and nor do I trust her. I have studied many different angles to this, but seem stuck on what to do now? Is it ok to keep my distance, or not be in relationship to her or others in the family? I’m 52 by the way. I truely want to be at peace, and move on to other area’s of my life, but I’m still confused about what to do? Any feed back I appreciate. Thank you

  4. My name is Davis Makobiri,iam pastoring achurch called Healing Souls Baptist Church in Malawi, our vision is coming from Isaiah 61:1-3 where God is mandated us to love the lost,accept the rejected ones ,heal the broken hearted etc with the word of God.But we are struggling financially to carry out this task.Therefore awant to ask financial assintance from you if possible.

  5. Betrayal is painful. Being attekcad, mis-characterized, lied about by those you thought you should be able to trust is a horrific experience. It will take time. Lots of time. There are new experiences, new life to live, things to look forward to, in time. When we experienced deep betrayal, the first year I was in shock and very angry. As time went by, I learned that God has more for us and better things in store. It has been 5 years and I still have days every few months where it crosses my mind. Know that it will be slow but that does not mean that God isn’t working.

  6. Good article, must post on my Twitter. Random note, but anyone suffering from diabetic complications here?
    If so, check out this great information I found.


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